Archive for the ‘Poetry’ Category

The Joy of Limericks!

May 21, 2018

Happy Monday!  Let’s get the work week off to a humerous start.  When someone mentions “limericks” my minds drifts to the seemy side of the genre (usually not fit to be repeated in public).  However, I ran across a few “cleaner” limericks the other day and thought them worthy of a share.  Enjoy!

There was a young lady named Bright,
Who traveled much faster than light,
She started one day
In the relative way,
And returned on the previous night.

***************

When Daddy and Mum got quite plastered,
And their shame had been thoroughly mastered,
They told their boy, Harry:
‘Son, we never did marry.
But don’t tell the neighbors, you bastard.’

***************

There was an old party of Lyme,
Who married three wives at a time,
When asked ‘Why the third?’
He replied, ‘One’s absurd,
And bigamy, sir, is a crime.’

***************

There was a young man who said ‘Damn!
It appears to me now that I am
Just a being that moves
In predestined grooves,
Not a taxi, or bus, but a tram.’

***************

There was a faith-healer of Deal,
Who said, ‘Although pain isn’t real,
If I sit on a pin
And it punctures my skin,
I dislike what I fancy I feel.’

***************

A young schizophrenic named Struther,
When told of the death of his brother,
Said, ‘Yes, it’s too bad
But I can’t feel too sad —
After all, I still have each other.’

Source: Comic Poems, selected and edited by Peter Washington

Advertisements

“Born on a Monday . . . !”

April 23, 2018
Happy Monday!  I rewatched the movie The Accountant the other day and was reminded of the poem “Solomon Grundy.”  Until this movie, I had never heard of this poem, but Ben Affleck’s autistic character was taught to use this poem as a calming mechanism (repeatedly reciting the poem to himself when he is in stressful situations).   He recites the shorter version, but I discovered that there was a longer version as well.  And, if you have not seen the movie The Accountant, I give it two thumbs up.  It is a very entertaining, star-studded (Ben Affleck, Anna Kendrick, J.K. Simmons, Jon Bernthal, Jean Smart, and John Lithgow) crime thriller.  Enjoy!  
Short version
Solomon Grundy,
Born on a Monday,
Christened on Tuesday,
Married on Wednesday,
Took ill on Thursday,
Grew worse on Friday,
Died on Saturday,
Buried on Sunday,
That was the end,
Of Solomon Grundy.
Long version
Solomon Grundy, born on a Monday,
Christened on a stark and stormy Tuesday,
Married on a grey and grisly Wednesday,
Took ill on a mild and mellow Thursday,
Grew worse on a bright and breezy Friday,
Died on a gray and glorious Saturday,
Buried on a baking, blistering Sunday.
That was the end of Solomon Grundy.

Happy Earth Day 2018!

April 22, 2018

And what better way to celebrate than with this wonderful poem by the late Robert Frost entitled “Putting in the Seed.”

You come to fetch me from my work to-night
When supper’s on the table, and we’ll see
If I can leave off burying the white
Soft petals fallen from the apple tree.
(Soft petals, yes, but not so barren quite,
Mingled with these, smooth bean and wrinkled pea;)
And go along with you ere you lose sight
Of what you came for and become like me,
Slave to a springtime passion for the earth.
How Love burns through the Putting in the Seed
On through the watching for that early birth
When, just as the soil tarnishes with weed,
The sturdy seedling with arched body comes
Shouldering its way and shedding the earth crumbs.

Source: http://www.poets.org.  This work is in the public domain.

Spring Hath Sprung!

March 29, 2018

We are more than a week into spring so here is a wonderful poem by the late Eliza Cook entitled “Spring.”

Welcome, all hail to thee!
Welcome, young Spring!
Thy sun-ray is bright
On the butterfly’s wing.
Beauty shines forth
In the blossom-robed trees;
Perfume floats by
On the soft southern breeze.

Music, sweet music,
Sounds over the earth;
One glad choral song
Greets the primrose’s birth;
The lark soars above,
With its shrill matin strain;
The shepherd boy tunes
His reed pipe on the plain.

Music, sweet music,
Cheers meadow and lea;—
In the song of the blackbird,
The hum of the bee;
The loud happy laughter
Of children at play
Proclaim how they worship
Spring’s beautiful day.

The eye of the hale one,
With joy in its gleam,
Looks up in the noontide,
And steals from the beam;
But the cheek of the pale one
Is mark’d with despair,
To feel itself fading,
When all is so fair.

The hedges, luxuriant
With flowers and balm,
Are purple with violets,
And shaded with palm;
The zephyr-kiss’d grass
Is beginning to wave;
Fresh verdure is decking
The garden and grave.

Welcome! all hail to thee,
Heart-stirring May!
Thou hast won from my wild harp
A rapturous lay.
And the last dying murmur
That sleeps on the string
Is welcome! All hail to thee,
Welcome, young Spring!

Source: http://www.poets.org.  This work is in the public domain.

A Song!

February 18, 2018

Here is the next installment of poetry generally attributed to Thomas, the sixth Earl of Harrington (circa 1730).  Enjoy!

A Song

Miss Nanny, young and innocent,
Last night was made a bride;
But long ere day, in discontent,
She did kind Willie chide.

“Base wretch,” she said, and then she wept,
“Why told you things untrue?
“Would I my maidenhead had kept,
“Or not have given’t to you.

“To honor you have no regard,
“You false, you perjured man;
“You swore that something was a yard,
“When it is scarce a span.”

Note: printed on the page following the title page was the following: “from a collection of poems that have been generally ascribed to Thomas, sixth Earl of Harrington. He was the son of Charles, the fifth Earl, and Margaret Lesslie, Countess of Rothes; and fought on the Royal side at the battle of Shirreffmuir, along with his brother John Lesslie, Earl of Rothes, and his own son, Lord Binning. These poems, according to Pinkerton, were printed about 1730, and have been reprinted in 1753, 1765, 1767, and 1777. He was also the author of Mia treatise on forest trees, which has gone through several editions. He died in 1735.” However, if these dates are correct (and I am by no means an expert historian in such matters), these poems could only have been written by either the first or second Earl of Harrington (William Stanhope and W.S. Jr.).

The Dying Toast!

December 18, 2017

Here is the next installment of poetry generally attributed to Thomas, the sixth Earl of Harrington (circa 1730).  Enjoy!

The Dying Toast

A charming toast, upon a time,
Seized with a deep decay,
Whose beauty withered in her prime,
Upon her death-bed lay.

Two virtuous virgins, fair and young,
sate silent by the maid
At last the eldest found her tongue,
And to the other said:

“Believe me, child, I tell you truth,
“You know I never lied,
“Of all the p—–les that, from my youth,
“I to this day have tried.

“Our parson’s is by far the best,
” ‘Tis full ten inches long,
“It upwards to his belly pressed,
” ‘Tis stiff, ’tis hard, ’tis strong.

“The very thought of it gives delight,
“Although it be but thin,
“Yet when he lay with me last night,
“Nine times he thrust it in.”

Twas thus the eldest sister spoke,
And thus the young replied:
“Your long and thin are but a joke,
“Such baubles I have tried,

“Our curate’s is by far more strong,
” ‘Tis his alone can charm,
“For, though is is not quite so long,
” ‘Tis twice as thick’s my arm.

“Last night he to my bed did creep
“Although disguised with drink,
“Yet eight time ere he went to sleep,
“He filled up every chink.

“The curate shall be welcome still,
“He cures my soul of grief,
“He nobly doth my pulpit fill,
“And gives my heart relief.

“The charming curate is my choice,
“Do you the parson keep:”
At last their dispute made a noise,
That broke the fair one’s sleep.

With joy the chaste debate she heard,
And, turning on her breech,
Her head above the clothes she reared,
And made this dying speech.

“Dear friends, were I to choose a p——–,”
Cried out the gasping toast,
“I’d have it long, I’d have it thick;”
And then gave up the ghost.

Note: printed on the page following the title page was the following: “from a collection of poems that have been generally ascribed to Thomas, sixth Earl of Harrington. He was the son of Charles, the fifth Earl, and Margaret Lesslie, Countess of Rothes; and fought on the Royal side at the battle of Shirreffmuir, along with his brother John Lesslie, Earl of Rothes, and his own son, Lord Binning. These poems, according to Pinkerton, were printed about 1730, and have been reprinted in 1753, 1765, 1767, and 1777. He was also the author of Mia treatise on forest trees, which has gone through several editions. He died in 1735.” However, if these dates are correct (and I am by no means an expert historian in such matters), these poems could only have been written by either the first or second Earl of Harrington (William Stanhope and W.S. Jr.).

The Tell-Tale!

November 18, 2017

Here is the next installment of poetry generally attributed to Thomas, the sixth Earl of Harrington (circa 1730).  Enjoy!

The Tell-Tale

When youthful blood distends the veins,
Love fills the heart, and fires the brains,
Makes virgins dream they toy and kiss,
And long to taste substantial bliss.
Since this with females is the way,
And thus they wish both night and day;
Then, without witchcraft, one may guess
Their thoughts, by what their looks express;
And what discourse may pass between
Two wishing maidens of fifteen.

To prove what I have said is truth,
Two sisters in the bloom of youth,
Born by their mother at a birth,
Overcharged with blood, and full of mirth;
Alike in features, shape, and air,
With sparkling eyes and flaxen hair;
With lips like any coral red,
And lilies over their bosom spread,
For ever smiling, always gay
And, spite of what mamma could say,
About the town all day would roam,
And scarcely stayed one hour at home.

My lady was an arrant prude,
And could not bear such latitude:
Was formal, forward, stiff, and nice,
Each morning railed at sin and vice,
And gave her daughters sage advice,
But all in vain, it would not do,
The girls had something else in view,
And still went gadding up and down
To each amusement in the town,
Till mamma, in an angry tone,
vowed, if they would not let alone
Their idle ways, her skill she’d try,
And lock them up three stories high.
As thus my lady, like to choke,
In anger to the fair ones spoke,
A daughter younger by some years,
Than her dear sisters showed her fears;
Yet, smiling to mamma, did say,
“I know a sure and certain way
“Will make my sisters keep the house.”
“Pray what is that my little mouse?”
My lady said, and on her smiled,
“Get them stiff p—–les,” said the child;
“Whether they sit, or lie, or walk,
“Of p—–les they forever talk;
” ‘Tis that they wish for, and they want,
“And if you will their wishes grant;
“I’ll lay my life that they shall stay
“Within the house both night and day.”

Note: printed on the page following the title page was the following: “from a collection of poems that have been generally ascribed to Thomas, sixth Earl of Harrington. He was the son of Charles, the fifth Earl, and Margaret Lesslie, Countess of Rothes; and fought on the Royal side at the battle of Shirreffmuir, along with his brother John Lesslie, Earl of Rothes, and his own son, Lord Binning. These poems, according to Pinkerton, were printed about 1730, and have been reprinted in 1753, 1765, 1767, and 1777. He was also the author of Mia treatise on forest trees, which has gone through several editions. He died in 1735.” However, if these dates are correct (and I am by no means an expert historian in such matters), these poems could only have been written by either the first or second Earl of Harrington (William Stanhope and W.S. Jr.).

A Ridiculous Discovery, Part 2!

October 19, 2017

Here is the finishing part of the poem “A Ridiculous Discovery,” generally attributed to Thomas, the sixth Earl of Harrington (circa 1730).  Enjoy!

A Ridiculous Discovery (Part 2)

 

The silly captain, joined for life,
Was hugely happy in his wife;
And, though it was but early day,
Would not  the nuptial rites delay;
But threw her down upon a bed,
and took (he thought) her maidenhead:
Though this had put him in a sweat,
He did again the joy repeat.
Then, smiling, told her, that, at night,
He’d take his fill of dear delight;
But now he had some miles to ride,
“Farewell,” said he, “my lovely bride.”
Then straightway to a sutler’s tent,
To meet some friends in raptures went;
Who, angry at his long delay,
Asked what the devil made him stay?

To this the captain, smiling, said,
“I own that I too long have stayed
“But, when the reason’s understood,”
“You’ll  grant that my excuse is good:
“I from  the major’s just now came,
“And, spurred and booted as I am,
“I twice did f—– his daughter Nan,
“Pray am not I a happy man?”
“Yet, by my soul, I tell you true,
“Others have done’t as well as you.”
A surly officer replied,
“Last night I that fine virgin tried,
“And can’t admit of your excuse,
“Since I thrice f——-d her in my shoes.”

The captain said, “Upon my life,
“You joke, for Nanny is my wife.”

Note: printed on the page following the title page was the following: “from a collection of poems that have been generally ascribed to Thomas, sixth Earl of Harrington. He was the son of Charles, the fifth Earl, and Margaret Lesslie, Countess of Rothes; and fought on the Royal side at the battle of Shirreffmuir, along with his brother John Lesslie, Earl of Rothes, and his own son, Lord Binning. These poems, according to Pinkerton, were printed about 1730, and have been reprinted in 1753, 1765, 1767, and 1777. He was also the author of Mia treatise on forest trees, which has gone through several editions. He died in 1735.” However, if these dates are correct (and I am by no means an expert historian in such matters), these poems could only have been written by either the first or second Earl of Harrington (William Stanhope and W.S. Jr.).

A Ridiculous Discovery, Part One!

October 18, 2017

Here is the next installment of poetry generally attributed to Thomas, the sixth Earl of Harrington (circa 1730).  Enjoy!

A Ridiculous Discovery (Part 1)

I’m far from thinking women bad,
Yet whores for certain may be had;
And since no man may be secure,
The wife he takes is chaste and pure,
Until he tries her, and even then
Tricks may be played to cunning men;
Since this is very oft the way,
Men should be cautious what they say,
Nor make a bustle, nor a noise,
Of maidenheads and wedlock joys;
Lest, talking to an idle strain,
They something hear may give them pain:
Especially if it is not known
The dame they talk of is their own:
For men when overpowered with wine,
To tell adventures oft incline,
And to a husband may discover,
He was his wife’s successful lover.

This happened to a man I knew,
(What I’m to tell is really true)
A silly fellow, black and tall,
Whom I, for sound, shall captain call:
Although that a lieutenant’s post
Was all this man of war could boast:
Who, though he was almost a sot,
Yet had good store of money got;
But wearied with a single life,
Wisely resolved to take a wife.

The major’s daughter, young and gay,
Had stole his booby heart away:
Of all her sex she was his choice,
She seemed to him a mine of joys,
And that he would be surely blessed,
If she would grant him his request;
While she, who never had man denied,
As soon as asked, with joy complied.

. . .  to be continued with Part 2 tomorrow!

Note: printed on the page following the title page was the following: “from a collection of poems that have been generally ascribed to Thomas, sixth Earl of Harrington. He was the son of Charles, the fifth Earl, and Margaret Lesslie, Countess of Rothes; and fought on the Royal side at the battle of Shirreffmuir, along with his brother John Lesslie, Earl of Rothes, and his own son, Lord Binning. These poems, according to Pinkerton, were printed about 1730, and have been reprinted in 1753, 1765, 1767, and 1777. He was also the author of Mia treatise on forest trees, which has gone through several editions. He died in 1735.” However, if these dates are correct (and I am by no means an expert historian in such matters), these poems could only have been written by either the first or second Earl of Harrington (William Stanhope and W.S. Jr.).

The Rebuke!

September 18, 2017

Here’s the next installment of poetry generally attributed to Thomas, the sixth Earl of Harrington (circa 1730).  Enjoy!

 

The Rebuke

I always thought it want of sense,
And the worst kind of impudence,
In men who are for love unfit,
Yet ever are attempting it;
Since women, when they find the cheat,
Can never pardon the deceit;
And whatever face they put upon’t,
Will soon or late revenge the affront.

Not long ago a well-known rake,
Who still was lewd for lewdness’ sake:
One evening, when ’twas wearing dark,
Went out a-strolling to the park:
Where he did meet a harlot gay,
Who soared  about in hopes of prey:
The rake, well versed in such affairs,
Soon guessed her meaning by her airs,
And, going briskly up, began,
“Nor farther look, for I’m your man.”

“My man,” said she, “I know you not;
“What do you mean, you drunken sot?”
“Not know me,” said the foremost spark,
“Faith, Madam, though the night grows dark,
“Yet you may know me by this mark:”
Then in her hand he something laid,
At which the strumpet seemed afraid.

“What’s that,” said she, ‘you wicked beast?”
The fellow , tickled with the jest,
Applied his lips close to her ear,
and said “it is my p—–k, my dear.”

“Thy p——k,” she cried, in great surprise,
“A p——k, and of so small a size!
“It either is your little finger,
“Or you’re a vile Italian singer.”

Note: printed on the page following the title page was the following: “from a collection of poems that have been generally ascribed to Thomas, sixth Earl of Harrington. He was the son of Charles, the fifth Earl, and Margaret Lesslie, Countess of Rothes; and fought on the Royal side at the battle of Shirreffmuir, along with his brother John Lesslie, Earl of Rothes, and his own son, Lord Binning. These poems, according to Pinkerton, were printed about 1730, and have been reprinted in 1753, 1765, 1767, and 1777. He was also the author of Mia treatise on forest trees, which has gone through several editions. He died in 1735.” However, if these dates are correct (and I am by no means an expert historian in such matters), these poems could only have been written by either the first or second Earl of Harrington (William Stanhope and W.S. Jr.).