Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

Pulling Together!

March 31, 2018

PullingTogether_largeTeamwork.  This is what crosses my mind when I hear the phrase “pulling together.”  But as this demotivator (courtesy of www-dot-despair-dot-com) accurately points out, to be successful in a teamwork frame of reference, you have to be pulling in the same direction.  “Pulling together” in opposite directions is known as a tug-of-war.  In sports-speak, a tug-of-war is “a contest in which two teams pull at opposite ends of a rope until one drags the other over a central line.”  The non-sports definition is “a situation in which two evenly matched people or factions are striving to keep or obtain the same thing.”  One interesting note of difference: the sports definition has no mention of “evenly matched” teams.

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Marriage and Loneliness!

March 24, 2018

I have been single my entire life (and I’m perfectly okay with this) and have dealt with the issue of loneliness from time to time.  And, while many people get married to “escape the pain of being single,” they invariable discover that marriage could be even more painful than solitude.  I found a few quotations about this in the book Oxymoronica.  Apparently some people have figured this out.

“If you are afraid of loneliness, don’t marry.”  (Anton Chekhov)

“Marriage is lonelier than solitude.”  (Adrienne Rich)

“The surest way to be alone is to get married”  (Gloria Steinem)

“Marriage is the only thing that affords a woman the pleasure of company and the perfect sensation of solitude at the same time.”  (Helen Rowland)

So what is the better choice?  Get married?  Or remain single?  Here are some more quotations . . .  enjoy!

“One was never married, and that’s his hell; another is and that’s his plague.”  (Robert Burton)

“Matrimony and bachelorhood are both of them at once equally wise and equally foolish.”  (Samuel Butler)

“It doesn’t matter whether you decide to marry or stay single; either way you’ll be sorry.”  (Socrates)

Source: Oxymoronica by Dr. Mardy Grothe

Discouragement!

February 28, 2018

Discouragement_51279547-3d37-4e08-806e-b21344883a96_largeYes, we all can fall victim to discouragement from time to time but there are a few easy things that one can do to fight back a bit (and buying into this particular demotivator is not one of them).

1) Get a good night’s sleep (being well-rested and not fatigued can go a long way).

2) Schedule some exercise and get your endorphins working for you.

3) Set some goals (make sure they are small and achievable).

4) Commit to a random act of kindness (get your serotonin working).

I’m sure there are many more techniques or things you can do, but these four should be a great starting point.

Source: http://waleoladipo.com/4-tips-to-beat-sudden-feelings-of-discouragement-and-depression/

Oops!

February 22, 2018

Luckily this has never happened to me (yet), but I can only imagine the sinking feeling if it ever did.  And, while this is meant as a joke, I wonder how many times in a day that this actually occurs?  Enjoy!

A woman went to the airport for a flight to Omaha. She joined the long line at the security checkpoint for Concourse B, and waited. By the time she reached the head of the line, it was clear that she would miss her flight if it took off as scheduled.

The guard took a look at her ticket, and said, “I’m sorry. You’ve got a problem here.”

“Yes,” she sighed. “It looks like I won’t make this flight to Omaha.”

“No,” the guard explained. “This is the line for missing the flight to Houston. The line for missing your flight to Omaha is at Concourse C.”

Politics!

January 31, 2018

Politics_largeWhen I was growing up, there was a common sentiment in our household that certain issues should not be the topic of discussion in polite conversation — religion and politics (could this be based upon the concept of the separation of church and state?).  Whether or not they rose to the level of actually being “taboo” or not, is not for me to decide.   Obviously, now that we have entered the age of social media, anything goes.  Everyone has a voice, and every voice an audience, regardless.  Interestingly enough, the whole philosophic and jurisprudential concept phrased as “the separation of church and state” does not actually appear in the Constitution.  So, in honor of the many heated discussion we have had on these topics over the years, here is a wonderful “demotivator” (courtesy of http://www.despair.com) that at least puts the “politics” issue into perspective a bit (in a humorous vein).  Enjoy!

What’s the Difference . . . !

January 28, 2018

. . . between work and prison?  Here is an amusing answer that really puts this into perspective.  Obviously, the biggest difference is the whole issue of “freedom,” but just for some comic relief, check out these comparisons:

IN PRISON…….You spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
AT WORK………You spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.

IN PRISON…….You get three meals a day.
AT WORK………You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON…….You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK………You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON…….A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK………You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the door yourself.

IN PRISON……..You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK……….You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON…….You get your own toilet.
AT WORK………You have to share.

IN PRISON…….They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK………You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON…….All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK………You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON…….You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK………You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON……There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK……..They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON…….You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK……..You get fired if you get caught.

Source: http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/prisonerjokes.html

How About Some Chuck?!

January 23, 2018

Chuck Norris, that is.  Here is a small sampling of some funny Chuck Norris jokes.  For even more, check out this site.  Happy Tuesday!

  • Chuck Norris once had an arm-wrestling competition with Superman. The bet was that the loser has to then wear his underwear on top of his trousers.
  • Recently, a police patrol stopped Chuck Norris when he was driving along. They got off with only a warning.
  • Chuck Norris tried to lose weight. But Chuck Norris NEVER loses.
  • Chuck Norris went skydiving and his parachute didn’t open. He went back to the store the following day to claim a refund.
  • Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. His descendants are known today as giraffes.
  • Chuck Norris has a Grizzly bear rug. The bear is alive, but it’s too scared to move.

I could go on, but you can torture yourself some more by clicking on the above link for nine pages worth of more Chuck Norris jokes.  Enjoy!

You Are Special!

December 31, 2017

YouAreSpecial_largeLast month I posted a demotivator on “Affirmation.”  Well, this month’s demotivator (courtesy of www-dot-despair-dot-com), “You Are Special,” seemed a natural follow-up posting.  And yes, if you are in need of this additional affirmation, and if it is a puppy you require for this affirmation, yes, this is a very adorably cute puppy, all white and fluffy, energetic, and probably very lovable.  But let’s remember the last phrase of the demotivator . . . and leave the puppy at home.   Thanks.

The Papal Chauffeur!

December 28, 2017

Happy Thursday!  As we “race” to the weekend, here is a funny speeding joke.

While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope’s authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.

They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.

The chief asked: “Who is in the limo, the mayor?”
The policeman told him: “No, someone more important than the mayor.”

Then the chief asked “Is it the governor?”
The policeman answered: “No, someone more important than the governor.”

The chief finally asked: “Is it the President?”
The policeman answered: “No, someone even more important than the President.”

This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: “Now who is more important than the President?!”
The policeman calmly whispered: “I’ll put it to you this way chief. I don’t know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur.”

Source: http://www.workjoke.com

Entering Heaven!

December 24, 2017

Well, it is Christmas Eve, and following the hectic build-up to the Christmas holiday, here is a little humor to hopefully make you smile today (courtesy of “Mirthologist,” Dr. Steven Sultanoff).

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes  Christmas to get into heaven.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said. “You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said, “You may pass through the pearly gates.”

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s glasses.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”

The man replied, “They’re Carol’s.”

Source: Humor Matters, Dr. Steven M. Sultanoff