Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

You Are Special!

December 31, 2017

YouAreSpecial_largeLast month I posted a demotivator on “Affirmation.”  Well, this month’s demotivator (courtesy of www-dot-despair-dot-com), “You Are Special,” seemed a natural follow-up posting.  And yes, if you are in need of this additional affirmation, and if it is a puppy you require for this affirmation, yes, this is a very adorably cute puppy, all white and fluffy, energetic, and probably very lovable.  But let’s remember the last phrase of the demotivator . . . and leave the puppy at home.   Thanks.

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The Papal Chauffeur!

December 28, 2017

Happy Thursday!  As we “race” to the weekend, here is a funny speeding joke.

While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope’s authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.

They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.

The chief asked: “Who is in the limo, the mayor?”
The policeman told him: “No, someone more important than the mayor.”

Then the chief asked “Is it the governor?”
The policeman answered: “No, someone more important than the governor.”

The chief finally asked: “Is it the President?”
The policeman answered: “No, someone even more important than the President.”

This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: “Now who is more important than the President?!”
The policeman calmly whispered: “I’ll put it to you this way chief. I don’t know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur.”

Source: http://www.workjoke.com

Entering Heaven!

December 24, 2017

Well, it is Christmas Eve, and following the hectic build-up to the Christmas holiday, here is a little humor to hopefully make you smile today (courtesy of “Mirthologist,” Dr. Steven Sultanoff).

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes  Christmas to get into heaven.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said. “You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said, “You may pass through the pearly gates.”

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s glasses.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”

The man replied, “They’re Carol’s.”

Source: Humor Matters, Dr. Steven M. Sultanoff

Inadvertent Oxymoronica!

December 23, 2017

Inadvertent oxymoronica (defined as two contradictory words used together in one phrase) are those types of observations that happen totally by accident.  Prominent public figures are often the greatest source of these inadvertent quotable faux pas.  Let’s take a look at a few, shall we?

Marion Barry (former Mayor of Washington, DC)
“I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man.”

“There are two kinds of truth.  There are real truths and there are made-up truths.” (Following his drug arrest.)

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.”

John Bowman (District of Columbia City Councilman)
“If crime went down 100 percent, it would still be fifty times higher than it should be.”

George H. W. Bush (former President of the United States)
“I have opinions of my own — strong opinions — but I don’t always agree with them.”

“People say I’m indecisive, but I don’t know about that.”

George W. Bush (former President of the United States)
“I think anybody who doesn’t think I’m smart enough to handle the job is underestimating.”

“For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times.”

“Presidents, whether things are good or bad, get the blame.  I understand that.”

“there’s no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead.”

“One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations rise above that which is expected.”

Gerald Ford (former President of the United States)
“If Lincoln were alive today, he’d roll over in his grave.”

Lyndon Johnson (former President of the United States)
“For the first time in history, profits are higher than ever before.”

Richard Nixon (former President of the United States)
We should respect Mexico’s right to chart its own independent course, provided the course is not antagonistic to our interests.”

Dan Quayle (former Vice-President of the United States)
“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy.  But that could change.”

Ronald Reagan (former President of the United States)
“If you could add together the power of prayer of the people just in this room, what would be its megatonnage?”

Josesph McCarthy (former United States Senator)
“That’s the most unheard-of thing I ever heard of.”

Jesse Helms (former United States Senator)
“Democracy used to be a good thing, but it has now got into the wrong hands.”

Barbara Boxer (former United States Senator)
“Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, ‘Thank God, I’m still alive.’  But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again.”

Source: oxymoronica by Dr. Mardy Grothe

Affirmation!

November 30, 2017

Affirmation_largeHere is another wonderful demoti-vator (courtesy of www-dot-despair-dot-com).This seems to be especially relevant in today’s world of the participation trophy generation.  And, to add credence to this phenomenon, Georgetown University celebrated “Millenial Day” back in September.  The director of marketing at Georgetown, Chris Grosse, stated: “We decided we could come up with something that would be clever and funny, kind of honoring millennials, but also poking fun at some of the stereotypes that I think are incorrect.” The headline for an article written about this event read: “Participation trophies abound as Georgetown celebrates ‘Millennial Day’.” Ha!  Too funny!  I must give credit where credit is due . . .  a very catchy idea.

Stupid, Trouble, and Shut Up!

November 16, 2017

Happy Monday!  Let’s start the new work week with a real groaner . . . enjoy!

One Day Stupid, Trouble, and Shut Up were driving along in their car when Trouble suddenly hurled himself out of the window.

Well, Stupid and Shut Up did not know what to do so they went to the police station.

When they got there the chief asked them their names.

“Shut Up”, replied Shut Up.
“Stupid”, replied Stupid.

The police chief thought these people were telling him to shut up, and were calling him stupid. Which made him very mad.

“Excuse Me!” shouted the chief.

Thinking the chief was hard of hearing, They once again shouted there names.

“Shut Up!”
“Stupid!”

The police chief was very riled. He then asked
“Are you looking for trouble?”!!!

Stunned at the idea of the chief knowing that they were looking for their friend, they replied,

“Why yes, how did you know?”

Source: https://unijokes.com/cop-jokes/13/

Journalistic License!

November 8, 2017

Journalists have certainly been taking a beating lately over their style and method of reporting (fake news, biased/slanted, sensationalism, etc.).  So, I thought I would consult my copy of The Cynic’s Dictionary, by Aubrey Dillon-Malone, to see how others have classified this profession.  Enjoy!

Journalism
“A profession whose business is to explain to others what it personally does not understand.”  (Lord Northcliffe)

“Organized gossip.”  (Edward Eggleston)

“Survival of the vulgarist.”  (Oscar Wilde)

“A walk of life that consists of saying ‘Lord Jones is dead’ to people who didn’t know he was alive.”  (G.K. Chesterton)

“The ability to meet the challenge of filling space.”  (Rebecca West)

“The only thinkable alternative to working.”  (Jeffrey Barnard)

“The last refuge of the literary mediocre.”  (Brendan Behan)

Journalist
“A man who lies in the sun all day, then goes home to his typewriter to lie some more.”  (Frank Sinatra)

Teams!

October 30, 2017

Teams_largeHappy Monday!  As we begin a new work week, what better time to reflect on our current “team” climate at our assorted places of employment?  And, what better tool than one of the latest demotivators (courtesy of www-dot-despair-dot-com) on the topic.  Yes, we’ve all been there, those team, or group projects, where not every member pulls their weight or contributes at the same level.  Yet another example of humor that hits a little too close to the truth of how life sometimes operates.

The Rabbi and the Priest . . . !

October 23, 2017

Happy Monday!  How about a bit of humor as we begin the new work week?

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force.

Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a priest. I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God!”

Pointing to the sky, he continues, “God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth.”

The priest replies, “I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God!”

The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, “And look at this! Here’s another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune.”

The priest nods in agreement. The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.

The priest, baffled, asks, “Aren’t you having any, Rabbi?”

The rabbi replies, “Nah… I think I’ll wait for the police.”

Source: https://unijokes.com/cop-jokes/7/

The Heart Transplant!

October 16, 2017

Happy Monday!  Well, since it is just the start of the week, how about a little humor (courtesy of Community Care) to help us get going this morning?  Let me first apologize both to social workers as well as to attorneys (just in case they don’t find the humor in this joke).

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER.

The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away.

Another doctor runs into the room and says, “you’re in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker.”

The man quickly responds, “the attorney’s.”

The doctor says, “Wait! Don’t you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?”

The man says, “I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney’s probably never used his.  So I’ll take the attorney’s!”

Source: http://www.communitycare.co.uk/2007/12/14/top-ten-social-work-jokes-from-community-cares-crackers/