An Excuse for Everything, Almost!

Tom’s driving down the highway and his car is swerving all over the road.  He is driving so badly that he catches the attention of a police officer on patrol.

The officer pulls him over. “Step out of the car” says the officer, “I am going to need you to take a  breathalyzer test.”

“I can’t,” replies Tom, “You see I have very bad asthma and a breathalyzer could set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the officer, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.”

“I can’t do that either,” Tom responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.”

“Okay,” the officer answers, “then I will need a urine sample.”

“Sorry,” says Tom “I also have diabetes, a urine sample could push my sugar count really low.”

“Fine, then just come on out and walk a straight line for me.”

“I can’t do that either” responds Tom.

“Why not?” Demanded the exasperated officer.

“Well, because I’m drunk!”

Humor Me!

Here’s a joke that has been around a while; rumor had it that it was based on a true story (which is difficult to substantiate).  Funny nonetheless (despite procedural inaccuracies).

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Austin,Texas. Following the “last call” for drinks, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar who was apparently so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles,the man managed to find his car and fell into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off–it was a fine, dry summer night–, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons left in their vehicles. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it,” said the truly proud Redneck. “Tonight, I’m the designated decoy.”

Unexpected Consequences!

Happy Thursday!  I hope your day turns out a little better than this guys.  Hang in there, the  weekend is almost upon us.

There’s this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says: “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see another man crying.”

“No, it’s not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting and  my boss fired me. Then when I left the building to leave in my car, I discovered that it had been stolen and the police said there was nothing they could do. So, I called a cab to take me home, and, after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I realized that I had left my wallet in the cab. Then I went into the house and found my wife in bed with the gardener.  So I left home and came to this bar.  And while I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you showed up and drank my poison …”

A New Twist on Drunk Driving!

Here’s a funny story about drunk driving . . . and it is supposedly true!  Some police officers may not find this too funny, but I thought it was hilarious.

Recently an officer on routine patrol decided to park outside a bar in Fort Worth, Texas, near closing time to see if he could catch a drunk driver.

Shortly before the bar was to be closed the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his vehicle and got into the driver’s seat behind the steering wheel.

He sat there for a few minutes while a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally, he started the engine, switched the wipers on and off, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, then back a few inches and remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left.

Finally, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over, and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

“I seriously doubt it,” said the truly proud Hillbilly. “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.” 

Road Kill!

Here is a delightful bit of humor making the virtual circuit (email, internet, facebook, etc.) . . . enjoy!  Happy Hump Day . . . it’s downhill to the weekend from here!

“Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found about 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.  The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.  However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the birds’ beaks and claws.  By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impacts with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck versus car kills.  The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly determined the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a lookout Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.  They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah,” not a single one could shout “Truck.”

[groan]

Source: unknown

Not Your Ordinary Traffic Stop!

I’m not sure where this originated, but it made its way to facebook and once it crossed my radar screen I just couldn’t resist sharing this humorous dialogue.  Enjoy!

Woman: “Is there a problem, Officer?”
Officer: “Ma’am, you were speeding.”
Woman: “Oh, I see.”
Officer: “May I see your driver’s license please?”
Woman: “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.”
Officer: “You don’t have one?”
Woman: “I’ve lost it 4 times for drunk driving.”
Officer: “Oh, I see. May I see your vehicle registration papers please.”
Woman: “I can’t do that either.”
Officer: “Why not?”
Woman: “I stole this car.”
Officer: “You stole it?”
Woman: “Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.”
Officer: “You what?”
Woman: “His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.”

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars encircle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

Officer2: “Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!”

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: “Is there a problem sir?”
Officer2: “One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.”
Woman: “Murdered the owner?”
Officer2: “Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.”

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: “Is this your car, ma’am?”
Woman: “Yes, here are the registration papers.” The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: “One of my officers claims that you do not have a driver’s license.”

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2: “Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.”
Woman: “I’ll bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!”

Laugh Early, Laugh Often!

We all know that laughter is good for us.  It has been quoted as being “the best medicine,” it has been credited with reducing stress, it can boost your immune system, it can ease pain, and it can bring you greater happiness.  So why aren’t we laughing more than we do?  Why do we go through the day so serious all the time?  (The we that I’m referring to is really me . . . along with myself, and I . . . they go everywhere with me.)  Perhaps it is time to change this.  And to get us started . . .

The Very Bad Accident

Two men got out of their cars after they collided at an intersection.  One took a flask from his pocket and said to the other, “Here, maybe you’d like a nip to calm your nerves.”  “Thanks,” he said, and took a long pull from the container. “Here, you have one too,” he added, handing back the whiskey.  “Well, I’d rather not,” said the first.  “At least not until after the police have been here.”

“The most wasted day of all is that during which we have not laughed.”  — Sebastian R. N. Chamfort

Some Friday Humor!

I ran across this great quotation  . . .

“If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.”  (Source unknown)  

 . . . and for some crazy reason (perhaps the concept of “destroying evidence”), it reminded me of an old police joke that is a real groaner.

Q.  How many police officers does it take to throw a handcuffed prisoner down a flight of stairs?

A.  None, he tripped.

Happy Friday!