Forgive Me Father . . . !

. . . for I have sinned.  This is the phrase that I was taught in grade school as the standard opening petition to a Catholic priest when going to confession or the rite of reconciliation.  Here is a joke I heard recently that I will definitely “beg for forgiveness” in advance.

One Saturday morning, a Catholic priest was hearing confessions when a young boy (let’s call him Tom) entered the confessional to confess his sins.

Tom mentioned that he had been “loose with a girl.”

The priest then asked the boy “was it Cindy?”

Tom said “no.”

The priest then asked, “was it Jennifer?”

Tom again said “no.”

Th priest then asked, “was it Rachel?”

Once again Tom said “no.”

The priest then replied that for penance, the boy could not be an altar boy for the next four months.

So, Tom thanked the priest and left the confessional.

Tom then went outside, where his friends had gathered and were interested in the outcome.

Tom replied “well, I got a four-month vacation, and three new leads.”

A Lesson on Materialism!

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen-wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver’s side door with him standing right there.

“NOOO!” he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling: “MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!”

“You are a lawyer aren’t you?” asked the policeman.

“Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?” the lawyer asked.

“HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn’t even notice that your left arm is missing did you?” the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed “MY ROLEX!”

Some Mid-Week Humor!

Happy Wednesday! Now that we’ve reached the mid-point of the week, how about a bit of levity to get us through the rest of the week and into the weekend?

An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man noticed that the lights were on in the greenhouse in the back yard.  He hadn’t remembered turning the lights on and went to investigate.

As he approached the greenhouse, the old man heard voices and discovered that someone had broken into the greenhouse.  Scared, he returned to the house and called the police.

The dispatcher replied, that no officers were currently available, but that an officer would be sent as soon as one became available.

The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again. He told Dispatch, “Don’t worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!”

In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed!

One of the cops asked the old man, “I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them.”

The old man replied, “I thought you said, there weren’t any officers available.”

Slow Down, or Stop?!

Happy Saturday.  This is what I’d call a “teachable moment.”  This joke has been around for a while, but it is a classic.  So for those of you who have never heard this one, enjoy; and for those of you who have, enjoy again!

A police officer pulled over a guy driving a red Corvette after it had run a stop sign.
Police Officer: “May I see your driver’s license and registration please?” asked the cop.
Driver: “What’s the problem, officer?”
Police Officer: “You just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection.”
Driver: “Oh, come on pal, there wasn’t a car within miles of me.”
Police Officer: “Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution.”
Driver: “You gotta be kidding me!”
Police Officer: “It’s no joke, sir.”
Driver: “Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles and proceeded with caution.”
Police Officer: “That’s beside the point, sir.  You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn’t.  Now if I may see your license and . . . ”
Driver: “You’ve sure got a lot of time on your hands.  What’s the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?”
Police Officer: “Sir, I’ll overlook that last comment.  Let me see your license and registration immediately!”
Driver: “I will if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop.”
Police Officer: “Sir, I can do better than that.”
He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.
Police Officer: “Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?

Source: http://www.yuksrus.com/police.html

Some Librarian Humor!

Here’s an oldie, but a goodie based upon the book “Book! Book! Book!” by Deborah Bruss.

A librarian was working late one night at a small-town library. She had the door open for a breeze, and a chicken walked in, hopped up on the desk, and said, “Book, book, book!”

The librarian was a bit startled, but she quickly handed the chicken three books. The chicken put one under each wing, one in its beak, and walked out.

A few minutes later, the chicken returned, dropped those three books on the floor, hopped up on the counter, and said, “Book, book, book!”

Once again, the librarian gave the chicken three books, the chicken tucked one under each wing, took the third in its beak, and walked out.

It must be a full moon tonight, thought the librarian, getting back to her work. Of course, since everything in jokes comes in threes, the chicken came back. It dropped the books on the floor, hopped up, and said, “Book, book, book!”

This time, the librarian decided to get to the bottom of this. She gave three books to the chicken, and when it walked away, she followed it. They went across the parking lot, down into a ditch, and through a damp culvert. Good thing I wore my sensible shoes, she thought. They emerged into a little moonlit pool. There, the chicken stopped in front of the largest bullfrog the librarian had ever seen. He took one look at the books the chicken was carrying and croaked, “Read it, read it, read it!”

Source: this joke was a portion of a children’s book, Book! Book! Book! by Deborah Bruss

The Bank Robbery!

Here is some police humor courtesy of http://www.clumsycrooks.com . . . enjoy!

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber’s face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, “Well, did anyone else see my face?”

There were a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, “My wife got a pretty good look at you.”

An Excuse for Everything, Almost!

Tom’s driving down the highway and his car is swerving all over the road.  He is driving so badly that he catches the attention of a police officer on patrol.

The officer pulls him over. “Step out of the car” says the officer, “I am going to need you to take a  breathalyzer test.”

“I can’t,” replies Tom, “You see I have very bad asthma and a breathalyzer could set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the officer, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.”

“I can’t do that either,” Tom responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.”

“Okay,” the officer answers, “then I will need a urine sample.”

“Sorry,” says Tom “I also have diabetes, a urine sample could push my sugar count really low.”

“Fine, then just come on out and walk a straight line for me.”

“I can’t do that either” responds Tom.

“Why not?” Demanded the exasperated officer.

“Well, because I’m drunk!”

Humor Me!

Here’s a joke that has been around a while; rumor had it that it was based on a true story (which is difficult to substantiate).  Funny nonetheless (despite procedural inaccuracies).

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Austin,Texas. Following the “last call” for drinks, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar who was apparently so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles,the man managed to find his car and fell into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off–it was a fine, dry summer night–, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons left in their vehicles. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it,” said the truly proud Redneck. “Tonight, I’m the designated decoy.”

Unexpected Consequences!

Happy Thursday!  I hope your day turns out a little better than this guys.  Hang in there, the  weekend is almost upon us.

There’s this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says: “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see another man crying.”

“No, it’s not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting and  my boss fired me. Then when I left the building to leave in my car, I discovered that it had been stolen and the police said there was nothing they could do. So, I called a cab to take me home, and, after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I realized that I had left my wallet in the cab. Then I went into the house and found my wife in bed with the gardener.  So I left home and came to this bar.  And while I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you showed up and drank my poison …”

A New Twist on Drunk Driving!

Here’s a funny story about drunk driving . . . and it is supposedly true!  Some police officers may not find this too funny, but I thought it was hilarious.

Recently an officer on routine patrol decided to park outside a bar in Fort Worth, Texas, near closing time to see if he could catch a drunk driver.

Shortly before the bar was to be closed the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his vehicle and got into the driver’s seat behind the steering wheel.

He sat there for a few minutes while a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally, he started the engine, switched the wipers on and off, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, then back a few inches and remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left.

Finally, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over, and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

“I seriously doubt it,” said the truly proud Hillbilly. “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”