Posts Tagged ‘Joke’

Stupid, Trouble, and Shut Up!

November 16, 2017

Happy Monday!  Let’s start the new work week with a real groaner . . . enjoy!

One Day Stupid, Trouble, and Shut Up were driving along in their car when Trouble suddenly hurled himself out of the window.

Well, Stupid and Shut Up did not know what to do so they went to the police station.

When they got there the chief asked them their names.

“Shut Up”, replied Shut Up.
“Stupid”, replied Stupid.

The police chief thought these people were telling him to shut up, and were calling him stupid. Which made him very mad.

“Excuse Me!” shouted the chief.

Thinking the chief was hard of hearing, They once again shouted there names.

“Shut Up!”
“Stupid!”

The police chief was very riled. He then asked
“Are you looking for trouble?”!!!

Stunned at the idea of the chief knowing that they were looking for their friend, they replied,

“Why yes, how did you know?”

Source: https://unijokes.com/cop-jokes/13/

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The Rabbi and the Priest . . . !

October 23, 2017

Happy Monday!  How about a bit of humor as we begin the new work week?

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force.

Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a priest. I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God!”

Pointing to the sky, he continues, “God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth.”

The priest replies, “I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God!”

The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, “And look at this! Here’s another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune.”

The priest nods in agreement. The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.

The priest, baffled, asks, “Aren’t you having any, Rabbi?”

The rabbi replies, “Nah… I think I’ll wait for the police.”

Source: https://unijokes.com/cop-jokes/7/

The Heart Transplant!

October 16, 2017

Happy Monday!  Well, since it is just the start of the week, how about a little humor (courtesy of Community Care) to help us get going this morning?  Let me first apologize both to social workers as well as to attorneys (just in case they don’t find the humor in this joke).

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER.

The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away.

Another doctor runs into the room and says, “you’re in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker.”

The man quickly responds, “the attorney’s.”

The doctor says, “Wait! Don’t you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?”

The man says, “I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney’s probably never used his.  So I’ll take the attorney’s!”

Source: http://www.communitycare.co.uk/2007/12/14/top-ten-social-work-jokes-from-community-cares-crackers/

The Job Interview!

September 23, 2017

Happy Saturday!  As we begin the weekend, how about a little police humor, just for grins?

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job.

“Okay,” the sheriff drawled, “Gomer, what is 1 and 1?”

“11” he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, “That’s not what I meant, but he’s right.”
“What two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?”
“Today and tomorrow.”

He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.  “Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?”

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, “I don’t know.”

“Well, why don’t you go home and work on that one for a while?”

So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. “It went great! First day on the job and I’m already working on a murder case!”

Source: https://unijokes.com/cop-jokes/5/

Forgive Me Father . . . !

May 28, 2017

. . . for I have sinned.  This is the phrase that I was taught in grade school as the standard opening petition to a Catholic priest when going to confession or the rite of reconciliation.  Here is a joke I heard recently that I will definitely “beg for forgiveness” in advance.

One Saturday morning, a Catholic priest was hearing confessions when a young boy (let’s call him Tom) entered the confessional to confess his sins.

Tom mentioned that he had been “loose with a girl.”

The priest then asked the boy “was it Cindy?”

Tom said “no.”

The priest then asked, “was it Jennifer?”

Tom again said “no.”

Th priest then asked, “was it Rachel?”

Once again Tom said “no.”

The priest then replied that for penance, the boy could not be an altar boy for the next four months.

So, Tom thanked the priest and left the confessional.

Tom then went outside, where his friends had gathered and were interested in the outcome.

Tom replied “well, I got a four-month vacation, and three new leads.”

A Lesson on Materialism!

May 11, 2017

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen-wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver’s side door with him standing right there.

“NOOO!” he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling: “MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!”

“You are a lawyer aren’t you?” asked the policeman.

“Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?” the lawyer asked.

“HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn’t even notice that your left arm is missing did you?” the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed “MY ROLEX!”

Some Mid-Week Humor!

January 25, 2017

Happy Wednesday! Now that we’ve reached the mid-point of the week, how about a bit of levity to get us through the rest of the week and into the weekend?

An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man noticed that the lights were on in the greenhouse in the back yard.  He hadn’t remembered turning the lights on and went to investigate.

As he approached the greenhouse, the old man heard voices and discovered that someone had broken into the greenhouse.  Scared, he returned to the house and called the police.

The dispatcher replied, that no officers were currently available, but that an officer would be sent as soon as one became available.

The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again. He told Dispatch, “Don’t worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!”

In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed!

One of the cops asked the old man, “I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them.”

The old man replied, “I thought you said, there weren’t any officers available.”

Slow Down, or Stop?!

November 26, 2016

Happy Saturday.  This is what I’d call a “teachable moment.”  This joke has been around for a while, but it is a classic.  So for those of you who have never heard this one, enjoy; and for those of you who have, enjoy again!

A police officer pulled over a guy driving a red Corvette after it had run a stop sign.
Police Officer: “May I see your driver’s license and registration please?” asked the cop.
Driver: “What’s the problem, officer?”
Police Officer: “You just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection.”
Driver: “Oh, come on pal, there wasn’t a car within miles of me.”
Police Officer: “Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution.”
Driver: “You gotta be kidding me!”
Police Officer: “It’s no joke, sir.”
Driver: “Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles and proceeded with caution.”
Police Officer: “That’s beside the point, sir.  You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn’t.  Now if I may see your license and . . . ”
Driver: “You’ve sure got a lot of time on your hands.  What’s the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?”
Police Officer: “Sir, I’ll overlook that last comment.  Let me see your license and registration immediately!”
Driver: “I will if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop.”
Police Officer: “Sir, I can do better than that.”
He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.
Police Officer: “Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?

Source: http://www.yuksrus.com/police.html

Some Librarian Humor!

November 22, 2016

Here’s an oldie, but a goodie based upon the book “Book! Book! Book!” by Deborah Bruss.

A librarian was working late one night at a small-town library. She had the door open for a breeze, and a chicken walked in, hopped up on the desk, and said, “Book, book, book!”

The librarian was a bit startled, but she quickly handed the chicken three books. The chicken put one under each wing, one in its beak, and walked out.

A few minutes later, the chicken returned, dropped those three books on the floor, hopped up on the counter, and said, “Book, book, book!”

Once again, the librarian gave the chicken three books, the chicken tucked one under each wing, took the third in its beak, and walked out.

It must be a full moon tonight, thought the librarian, getting back to her work. Of course, since everything in jokes comes in threes, the chicken came back. It dropped the books on the floor, hopped up, and said, “Book, book, book!”

This time, the librarian decided to get to the bottom of this. She gave three books to the chicken, and when it walked away, she followed it. They went across the parking lot, down into a ditch, and through a damp culvert. Good thing I wore my sensible shoes, she thought. They emerged into a little moonlit pool. There, the chicken stopped in front of the largest bullfrog the librarian had ever seen. He took one look at the books the chicken was carrying and croaked, “Read it, read it, read it!”

Source: this joke was a portion of a children’s book, Book! Book! Book! by Deborah Bruss

The Bank Robbery!

October 11, 2016

Here is some police humor courtesy of http://www.clumsycrooks.com . . . enjoy!

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber’s face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, “Well, did anyone else see my face?”

There were a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, “My wife got a pretty good look at you.”