Posts Tagged ‘Jokes’

Some Chemistry Humor!

August 14, 2017

Here is a funny joke/pun involving sodium chloride and copper.  Enjoy!

SaltandCopper

Source: http://www.jokelibrary.net/education/chemistry.html

The Cat and the Comma!

July 10, 2017

Once in a while you run across a joke that is a bit more intellectual than most.  And, when it includes a pun as well . . . ah, that’s just wonderful!  Here’s a joke that I discovered recently (please don’t groan too loudly).

Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
A: One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

Source: http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/latest-jokes

Drinkin’ With the Guys!

June 11, 2017

Some weekend humor for you (courtesy of laffgaff.com).  Enjoy!

Bob left work one Friday evening.

But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his friends and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

He replied, “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Some Humor for the Weekend!

April 22, 2017

Happy Saturday!  Here are a few computer-related jokes that I have had the pleasure of running across lately.  Enjoy!

Did you know that the oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve?
Surprise!  Surprise!
It was an Apple.
But, it had extremely limited memory . . .
Just 1 byte . . .
Then everything crashed.

“If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0.”

I changed my password to “incorrect,” so whenever I forget what it is, the computer will say “your password is incorrect.”

Computer: Press any key to start.
User: Where’s the “any” key?

Need a few more?  Check out this page.

 

The Job Interview!

August 26, 2016

This joke is actually a good example of knowing your market and tempering your expectations!   Enjoy!

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology,

“And what starting salary are you looking for?”

The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”

The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”

Source: http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/office-jokes

Stop vs. Slow Down!

August 18, 2016

If you are needing a reason to laugh today, check out this joke.  Disclaimer: if you find this too violent or not funny, I will apologize in advance.  Coming from a law enforcement background myself, I find this “gallows” type of humor very funny.

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he’s smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, “What for?” The sheriff responds, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.” The lawyer says, “I slowed down and no one was coming.” “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration please,” say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.” The sheriff says, “That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle.” The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, “Do you want me to stop or just slow down?”

Source: http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/office-jokes

Some Police Humor!

October 6, 2015

Here is a sampling of some pretty funny jokes (check out some more at http://www.angelfire.com/pa2/scanner/jokes/police/cops.html).

How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but he is never around when you need him.

How many cop jokes are there? Just two, all the rest are true!

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.”
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, “My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!”

What did the policeman say to his belly button?
You’re under a vest!

How many cops does it take to throw a man down a flight of stairs???
None. He tripped.

Humor, a la Police-Style!

July 27, 2015

Happy Monday!  As we ease into the new workweek, here is a little police humor to entertain.

Why did the chicken cross the street?  Answer

Do you have any idea why I pulled you over?   Answer.

There’s nothing to see here?   Answer.

“I haven’t reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.” (Ilie Nastase)

Some Mid-Week Humor!

June 24, 2015

I have long been a fan of the pun and have garnered more than my share of groans.  But, sometimes, it just has to be done.  Here are a few new ones that I just discovered.  I will beg for forgiveness right now.  Enjoy!

  • Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.
  • If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?
  • I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but it wouldn’t matter, none of them work.
  • Never trust atoms, they make up everything.
  • I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seat belt, then it just clicked.
  • To the guy who invented zero: thanks for nothing.
  • Why does Peter Pan always fly?  Because he Neverlands.
  • Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?  Lucky for him it was a soft drink.
  • What do you do with a sick chemist?  If you can’t helium, and you can’t curium, then you barium.

Laughter Really Is The Best Medicine!

December 9, 2008

Here are some examples of the content of  a new book from “Simple Truths” entitled: “Laughter is an Instant Vacation.”  Enjoy!

If you look like your passport photo, you’re too ill to travel.  (Will Kommen)

My doctor is wonderful.  Once, when I couldn’t afford an operation, he touched up the x-ray.  (Joey Bishop)

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls.  The always say, “Because it’s such a beautiful animal.”  There you go.  I think my mother is attrative, but I have a photograph of her.  (Ellen Degeneres)

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession.  I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.  (Ronald Reagan)

I am a marvelous housekeeper.  Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.  (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

If you love something, set it free.  Unless it’s chocolate.  Never release chocolate.  (Renee Duvall)

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years.  I didn’t want to interrupt her.  (Rodney Dangerfield)

I love deadlines.  I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.  (Douglas Adams)

My grandmother is over 80 and still doesn’t need glasses.  Drinks right out of the bottle.  (Henny Youngman)

I cook with wine.  Sometimes, I even add it to the food.  (W.C. Fields)

Insanity doesn’t run in my family, it gallops.  (Cary Grant)

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance.  Sometimes I just go for an estimate.  (Phyllis Diller)