Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Oops!

February 22, 2018

Luckily this has never happened to me (yet), but I can only imagine the sinking feeling if it ever did.  And, while this is meant as a joke, I wonder how many times in a day that this actually occurs?  Enjoy!

A woman went to the airport for a flight to Omaha. She joined the long line at the security checkpoint for Concourse B, and waited. By the time she reached the head of the line, it was clear that she would miss her flight if it took off as scheduled.

The guard took a look at her ticket, and said, “I’m sorry. You’ve got a problem here.”

“Yes,” she sighed. “It looks like I won’t make this flight to Omaha.”

“No,” the guard explained. “This is the line for missing the flight to Houston. The line for missing your flight to Omaha is at Concourse C.”

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The Art of Advertising!

February 8, 2018

I am certainly no expert when it comes to such things as advertising, but in today’s day and age with the amount of information available coupled with the speed with which it can be shared, the importance of good advertising cannot be over-emphasized.  However, on a lighter note, here are some noteworthy quotations on the topic of advertising (courtesy of The Cynic’s Dictionary, by Aubrey Dillon-Malone).  Enjoy!

Advertising is . . . .

“Legalized lying.”  (H.G. Wells)

“The greatest art form of the 20th century.”  (Marshall McLuhan)

“The most truthful part of a newspaper.”  (Thomas Jefferson)

“The cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if they’re worthless.”  (Sinclair Lewis)

“The rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.”  (George Orwell)

“The most fun you can have with your clothes on.”  (Jerry Della Femina)

The art of making whole lies out of half-truths.”  (Edgar A. Shoaff)

 

Source: The Cynic’s Dictionary by Aubrey Dillon-Malone, p. 7.

Politics!

January 31, 2018

Politics_largeWhen I was growing up, there was a common sentiment in our household that certain issues should not be the topic of discussion in polite conversation — religion and politics (could this be based upon the concept of the separation of church and state?).  Whether or not they rose to the level of actually being “taboo” or not, is not for me to decide.   Obviously, now that we have entered the age of social media, anything goes.  Everyone has a voice, and every voice an audience, regardless.  Interestingly enough, the whole philosophic and jurisprudential concept phrased as “the separation of church and state” does not actually appear in the Constitution.  So, in honor of the many heated discussion we have had on these topics over the years, here is a wonderful “demotivator” (courtesy of http://www.despair.com) that at least puts the “politics” issue into perspective a bit (in a humorous vein).  Enjoy!

What’s the Difference . . . !

January 28, 2018

. . . between work and prison?  Here is an amusing answer that really puts this into perspective.  Obviously, the biggest difference is the whole issue of “freedom,” but just for some comic relief, check out these comparisons:

IN PRISON…….You spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
AT WORK………You spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.

IN PRISON…….You get three meals a day.
AT WORK………You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON…….You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK………You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON…….A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK………You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the door yourself.

IN PRISON……..You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK……….You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON…….You get your own toilet.
AT WORK………You have to share.

IN PRISON…….They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK………You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON…….All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK………You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON…….You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK………You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON……There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK……..They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON…….You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK……..You get fired if you get caught.

Source: http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/prisonerjokes.html

How About Some Chuck?!

January 23, 2018

Chuck Norris, that is.  Here is a small sampling of some funny Chuck Norris jokes.  For even more, check out this site.  Happy Tuesday!

  • Chuck Norris once had an arm-wrestling competition with Superman. The bet was that the loser has to then wear his underwear on top of his trousers.
  • Recently, a police patrol stopped Chuck Norris when he was driving along. They got off with only a warning.
  • Chuck Norris tried to lose weight. But Chuck Norris NEVER loses.
  • Chuck Norris went skydiving and his parachute didn’t open. He went back to the store the following day to claim a refund.
  • Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. His descendants are known today as giraffes.
  • Chuck Norris has a Grizzly bear rug. The bear is alive, but it’s too scared to move.

I could go on, but you can torture yourself some more by clicking on the above link for nine pages worth of more Chuck Norris jokes.  Enjoy!

You Are Special!

December 31, 2017

YouAreSpecial_largeLast month I posted a demotivator on “Affirmation.”  Well, this month’s demotivator (courtesy of www-dot-despair-dot-com), “You Are Special,” seemed a natural follow-up posting.  And yes, if you are in need of this additional affirmation, and if it is a puppy you require for this affirmation, yes, this is a very adorably cute puppy, all white and fluffy, energetic, and probably very lovable.  But let’s remember the last phrase of the demotivator . . . and leave the puppy at home.   Thanks.

The Papal Chauffeur!

December 28, 2017

Happy Thursday!  As we “race” to the weekend, here is a funny speeding joke.

While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope’s authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.

They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.

The chief asked: “Who is in the limo, the mayor?”
The policeman told him: “No, someone more important than the mayor.”

Then the chief asked “Is it the governor?”
The policeman answered: “No, someone more important than the governor.”

The chief finally asked: “Is it the President?”
The policeman answered: “No, someone even more important than the President.”

This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: “Now who is more important than the President?!”
The policeman calmly whispered: “I’ll put it to you this way chief. I don’t know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur.”

Source: http://www.workjoke.com

Entering Heaven!

December 24, 2017

Well, it is Christmas Eve, and following the hectic build-up to the Christmas holiday, here is a little humor to hopefully make you smile today (courtesy of “Mirthologist,” Dr. Steven Sultanoff).

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes  Christmas to get into heaven.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said. “You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said, “You may pass through the pearly gates.”

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s glasses.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”

The man replied, “They’re Carol’s.”

Source: Humor Matters, Dr. Steven M. Sultanoff

Inadvertent Oxymoronica!

December 23, 2017

Inadvertent oxymoronica (defined as two contradictory words used together in one phrase) are those types of observations that happen totally by accident.  Prominent public figures are often the greatest source of these inadvertent quotable faux pas.  Let’s take a look at a few, shall we?

Marion Barry (former Mayor of Washington, DC)
“I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man.”

“There are two kinds of truth.  There are real truths and there are made-up truths.” (Following his drug arrest.)

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.”

John Bowman (District of Columbia City Councilman)
“If crime went down 100 percent, it would still be fifty times higher than it should be.”

George H. W. Bush (former President of the United States)
“I have opinions of my own — strong opinions — but I don’t always agree with them.”

“People say I’m indecisive, but I don’t know about that.”

George W. Bush (former President of the United States)
“I think anybody who doesn’t think I’m smart enough to handle the job is underestimating.”

“For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times.”

“Presidents, whether things are good or bad, get the blame.  I understand that.”

“there’s no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead.”

“One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations rise above that which is expected.”

Gerald Ford (former President of the United States)
“If Lincoln were alive today, he’d roll over in his grave.”

Lyndon Johnson (former President of the United States)
“For the first time in history, profits are higher than ever before.”

Richard Nixon (former President of the United States)
We should respect Mexico’s right to chart its own independent course, provided the course is not antagonistic to our interests.”

Dan Quayle (former Vice-President of the United States)
“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy.  But that could change.”

Ronald Reagan (former President of the United States)
“If you could add together the power of prayer of the people just in this room, what would be its megatonnage?”

Josesph McCarthy (former United States Senator)
“That’s the most unheard-of thing I ever heard of.”

Jesse Helms (former United States Senator)
“Democracy used to be a good thing, but it has now got into the wrong hands.”

Barbara Boxer (former United States Senator)
“Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, ‘Thank God, I’m still alive.’  But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again.”

Source: oxymoronica by Dr. Mardy Grothe

Affirmation!

November 30, 2017

Affirmation_largeHere is another wonderful demoti-vator (courtesy of www-dot-despair-dot-com).This seems to be especially relevant in today’s world of the participation trophy generation.  And, to add credence to this phenomenon, Georgetown University celebrated “Millenial Day” back in September.  The director of marketing at Georgetown, Chris Grosse, stated: “We decided we could come up with something that would be clever and funny, kind of honoring millennials, but also poking fun at some of the stereotypes that I think are incorrect.” The headline for an article written about this event read: “Participation trophies abound as Georgetown celebrates ‘Millennial Day’.” Ha!  Too funny!  I must give credit where credit is due . . .  a very catchy idea.