Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

The Borrower!

March 26, 2017

Happy Sunday!  As we begin the wrap-up th weekend, how about a bit of library humor?  Enjoy!

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, “I have a complaint!”

“Yes, Ma’am?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible.”

Puzzled by her complaint the librarian asked, “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever,” said the blonde.

The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our phone book.”

For the Pun of It!

March 5, 2017

I haven’t tortured you with any puns lately, so here are few for entertainment purposes (groaning is allowed).

  • Don’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap.
  • When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.
  • I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
  • How did I escape Iraq? Iran.
  • I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
  • Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.
  • Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
  • I’m glad I know sign language, it’s pretty handy.
  • A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
  • eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
  • A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason… details are sketchy.
  • What was Forrest Gump’s email password? “1forrest1”
  • Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
  • What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic
  • My math teacher called me average. How mean!
  • Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
  • Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch? A: “Beef Jerky!”
  • The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

That’s probably enough, for now . . . enjoy the rest of your weekend!

Caution!

February 26, 2017

cautioniceberg_largeLife is unpredictable and just when you think things are cruising along without a hitch, something always surfaces as a gentle reminder that you really aren’t in as much control of the situation as you’d like.  Not to worry, nothing has happened to me lately, but rest assured, something will one of these days.  All you can do is hope for the best and deal with the adversity as best you can.  Exercise “caution” at every turn (and stay alert for the threat(s).  Here is a wonderful demotivator (courtesy of http://www.despair.com) to help reinforce this idea.  Enjoy!

One Wish Each!

February 22, 2017

Happy Wednesday!  We are half way through the work week, so here is a bit of homeland security/TSA humor to help get us through today and a bit closer to the weekend.  Enjoy!

A New York fireman, an American mother of three, and a TSA supervisor are the only survivors of a plane crash in the Pacific Ocean. They all wash up on a desert island where, half drowned, the fireman spots a lamp in the sand. As soon as he touches it, a genie emerges in a cloud of smoke.

“I am the Genie of the Lamp,” he intones. “Because you have released me, I will grant you each one wish.”

The mother breaks into tears. “Oh, thank you, thank you!” she cries. “I just want to fly back home to my babies!”

“Very well,” says the genie, and a pontoon plane appears by the shore, its pilot beckoning to her. Happily she runs off and climbs aboard.

“All I want,” says the fireman, “is to return to my fire station in New York. People there rely on me to help them in times of trouble.”

“Very well,” intones the genie, and another plane pops out of nowhere to idle next to the first. The fireman runs out and climbs aboard.

“And what is your wish?” the genie asks the TSA supervisor.

“Get those people back here. They haven’t been properly searched!”

Source: unknown

Be The Bridge!

January 29, 2017

bethebridge_largeHappy Sunday! Learning to see the humor in everything is a talent that can sometimes take a while to develop.  I’d like to think that I have achieved the ability to not take the world too seriously (I certainly am always quick with a joke or humorous quip, almost to the point of being obnoxious [but not quite]).  And, I have long been a fan of despair.com‘s demotivator series (“demotivator” has been defined by thefreedictionary.com as the condition of being without motivation).  As luck would have it, late last year they unveiled several new ones. They never cease to amuse me and I think this would have been an awesome job to challenge my wit and creativity; and how much fun could I have with the opportunity to come up with these catchy phrases and captions (hmm, perhaps it is not too late to explore).  Priceless to say the least (and usually so tongue-in-cheek that they are more often quite accurate despite their poking fun at life).  Enjoy!

Some Mid-Week Humor!

January 25, 2017

Happy Wednesday! Now that we’ve reached the mid-point of the week, how about a bit of levity to get us through the rest of the week and into the weekend?

An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man noticed that the lights were on in the greenhouse in the back yard.  He hadn’t remembered turning the lights on and went to investigate.

As he approached the greenhouse, the old man heard voices and discovered that someone had broken into the greenhouse.  Scared, he returned to the house and called the police.

The dispatcher replied, that no officers were currently available, but that an officer would be sent as soon as one became available.

The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again. He told Dispatch, “Don’t worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!”

In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed!

One of the cops asked the old man, “I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them.”

The old man replied, “I thought you said, there weren’t any officers available.”

Accountability!

December 29, 2016

accountability_largeAnyone who has followed my blog for any period of time will know that I am a huge fan of “demotivators” (pretty posters with cute sayings that are heavy on the sarcasm and humor and, more often than not, more true than anyone would care to admit).  So, when www.despair.com rolled out their “new” demotivators a couple of weeks ago, I just had to start sharing them.

This one, “Accountability,” has the following caption . . . “A word leaders use right before the scapegoating begins.”  Enjoy!

It’s Not Always What You Think!

December 24, 2016

Sometimes you just never see the punchline coming . . .

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera when off, taking a picture of his license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly.  Another flash.  He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed.  Same result.

“This guy must have screwed up the settings,” the off-duty officer thought.

A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!

Source: http://www.yuksrus.com/police.html

Gardening 101!

December 22, 2016

Now this is a creative way to help out your wife . . .

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:
“Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?”

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter:
“Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden.  that is where I hid all the money.”

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
“Dear Husband, you wouldn’t believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden.”

The prisoner wrote another letter back:
“Dear Wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce.”

Source: http://www.yuksrus.com/police.html

Slow Down, or Stop?!

November 26, 2016

Happy Saturday.  This is what I’d call a “teachable moment.”  This joke has been around for a while, but it is a classic.  So for those of you who have never heard this one, enjoy; and for those of you who have, enjoy again!

A police officer pulled over a guy driving a red Corvette after it had run a stop sign.
Police Officer: “May I see your driver’s license and registration please?” asked the cop.
Driver: “What’s the problem, officer?”
Police Officer: “You just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection.”
Driver: “Oh, come on pal, there wasn’t a car within miles of me.”
Police Officer: “Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution.”
Driver: “You gotta be kidding me!”
Police Officer: “It’s no joke, sir.”
Driver: “Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles and proceeded with caution.”
Police Officer: “That’s beside the point, sir.  You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn’t.  Now if I may see your license and . . . ”
Driver: “You’ve sure got a lot of time on your hands.  What’s the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?”
Police Officer: “Sir, I’ll overlook that last comment.  Let me see your license and registration immediately!”
Driver: “I will if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop.”
Police Officer: “Sir, I can do better than that.”
He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.
Police Officer: “Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?

Source: http://www.yuksrus.com/police.html