Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Ya Makin’ Me Laugh!

January 19, 2019

Here is a new round of humor (courtesy the AARP Bulletin).  Enjoy!

John: “My wife thinks I’m too nosy.”
Ron: “How do you know?”
John: “She wrote it in her diary.”

Patient: “I keep having a dream that I’m a tailpipe.  What does it mean?”
Doctor: “It means you’re exhausted.”

Ben: “How does your dad like his new stair lift?”
Jen: “He says it drives him up the wall.”

Source: AARP Bulletin, September 2018, p. 50.

Some Literary Humor!

December 18, 2018

Here are some literary groaners!  Enjoy!

“I had a dream last night that I wrote “Lord of the Rings,” I was Tolkien in my sleep!”

“A man walks into a book shop and says, ‘Can I have a book by Shakespeare?’ ‘Of course, sir,’ says the salesman. ‘Which one?’ The man replies, ‘William.”

“A writer dies and Saint Peter offers him the choice of Hell or Heaven. To see what he has in store Saint Peter takes him to Hell where rows of writers are chained to their desks being whipped by demons in a steaming dungeon. However, when they get to Heaven the writer is astonished to see that nothing has changed – rows of writers are chained to their desks in a steaming dungeon being whipped. ‘Hey!’ says the writer, ‘this is just as bad as Hell!’ ‘No, it’s not,’ replies Saint Peter. ‘Up here you get published.”

“A writer sends his manuscript to a publisher with a note saying, ‘None of the characters in this story bear any resemblance to any person living or dead.’ The publisher sends back the book with a note saying, ‘That’s what’s wrong with it.”

“A young man professed a desire to become a great writer. When asked to define ‘great’ he said, ‘I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!’ He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.”

“Dick is introduced to an author at a party. ‘My last book was terribly difficult,’ the author says. ‘It took me over six years to complete.’ ‘I can sympathise,’ replies Dick. ‘I’m a slow reader myself.”

“Harry took up writing as a profession and sold loads of stuff – his TV, his stereo, his furniture, his car…”

How many screenwriters does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Ten.
1st draft.  Hero changes light bulb.
2nd draft.  Villain changes light bulb.
3rd draft.  Hero stops villain from changing light bulb.  Villain falls to death.
4th draft.  Lose the light bulb.
5th draft.  Light bulb back in.  Fluorescent bulb instead of halogen bulb.
6th draft.  Villain breaks bulb, uses it to kill hero’s mentor.
7th draft.  Fluorescent bulb not working.  Back to halogen bulb.
8th draft.  Hero forces villain to eat light  bulb.
9th draft.  Hero laments loss of light bulb.  Doesn’t change it.
10th draft. Hero changes light bulb.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”  A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

Source: unknown.

More Spell Checker Fun!

November 19, 2018

Last month I introduced a wonderful poem that highlighted how spell checkers can get you into trouble.  This month, I carry on with some examples of sentences that spell check would not help to correct.  Enjoy!

Won of the plains past hear too avoid the reel heavy reign over the hi mountain pique.

Sum of the thyme clothes out sails can help pour pea pull may Ken’s meat.

Dew ewe no it awl weighs reins on the planes?

Did yew here? Eye eight awl four tee cook ease!

Their awl coming to sea if its four reel.

Two bee, oar knot two bee, that ease the quest shun.

Marry hat hey lid tell lam, ids fleas woes wide has know.

Wee took hi weigh eight tee to get two the big sail at wall mart.

Macon ends meat is maid awl the moor Dee man ding bye hi in flay shun.

To thymes too eek wells fore.

Ate thymes too eek wells sick Steen.

Tree thymes ten eek wells third tee.

Surely tried two reach four the tale of the run a weigh hoarse witch flu down the rode.

Our ewe stoop Ed? Your Macon know cents!

It wood bee best if ewe awl weighs used the spell checker on you’re pea sea, eve in though it some thymes pro deuces miss steaks.

Source:Internet Accuracy Project – This organization works to improve the accuracy of reference sources, and also provides advertising-free access to reference, educational and literary materials.

Execution!

October 30, 2018

Execution_large

Allow me to share some more “pearls of wisdom” (or perphaps more accurately, seeds of cynacism?) in the form of this demotivator (courtesy of www-dot-despair-dot-com).  In my many years in the workforce I have discovered a few different types of people: there are the idea people (great ideas, but no action), there are the planners (again, great at putting together a plan, but not so good at the implementation phase), and there are the worker bees (those that will actually get the work done).  I’m sure that there are probably more types out there, but these three fit the narrative displayed by this demotivator!

Source: http://www.despair.com

Beware the Spell Check!

October 20, 2018

Happy Saturday!  I ran across this wonderful example of spell checker gone wrong.  Enjoy!

Ode to the Spell Check
I have a spelling checker –
It came with my new pea sea.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it’s weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud.
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know faults with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.

Each frays come posed up on my screen,
Eye trussed to bee a joule.
The checker poured o’er every word,
To cheque sum spelling rule.

That’s why aye brake in two averse
By righting wants too pleas.
Sow now ewe sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear for pea seas.

Source: Internet AccuracyProject – This organization works to improve the accuracy of reference sources, and also provides advertising-free access to reference, educational and literary materials.

Dream Small!

September 29, 2018

DreamSmall_largeHere is a demotivator (courtesy of (www-dot-despair-dot-com) that helps minimize your dreams by maximizing your possibility of achieving them.  All in good fun.  Of course, bigger dreams, and higher risk also carry with them increased success . . . but there is certainly nothing wrong with starting small and working your way up to bigger things.

Just a thought.

Source: www.despair.com

Some Early Week Humor!

September 18, 2018

Okay, so the week is just getting started, but I have always been of the opinion that humor is good anytime.  So here are a few gems to get your week rolling!

Tom: “I’ve been dating a girl who carries a Taser everywhere she goes.”
George: “What is she like?”
Tom: “Stunning.”

Fred: “I hate blood tests.”
Tom: “Me, too.  My blood is under enough pressure as it is.”

M: “I have your next assignment 007.  I am sending you to a party.”
007: “What are my orders?”
M: “Mingle.  Meet people.  Make friends . . . Bond, James.  Bond.”

Source: AARP Bulletin, July/August 2018, p. 46.

Never Give Up!

August 30, 2018

NeverGiveUp_largeAh, the entertainment value of watching people fail, and then laughing at their expense!  We never seem to tire of this past time and the internet (combined with the fact that everyone has a camera and is ready to film just about anything at moments notice) provides the perfect breeding ground.  Many a video has gone viral to the delight of millions.  So, yes, “never give up,” and keep on, keeping on!

The Camping Trip!

August 21, 2018

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

Artistic Oxymoronica!

August 7, 2018

Artistic creativity is closely linked to dreaming.  Here are a few artistic oxymoronica that exemplify this sentiment.

“I do more painting when I’m not painting.”  (Andrew Wyeth)

“I shut my eyes in order to see.”  (Paul Gauguin)

“First I dream my painting, then I paint my dream.”  (Vincent van Gogh)

Source: oxymoronica by Dr. Mardy Grothe