Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Some Coffee Humor!

April 21, 2019

Here are a few gems that I found on the Reader’s Digest website.  Enjoy!

If you sit down to enjoy a hot cup of coffee, then your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold.

Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Very, very seriously.

If the local coffee shop has awarded you “Employee of the Month” and you don’t even
work there, you may be drinking too much coffee.

A man went to his psychiatrist and said, “Every time I drink my coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye,” the psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”


Source: Reader’s Digest, Military Jokes

April Fool (a Tad Bit Late)!

April 11, 2019

Here is a limerick entitled “April Fool.”  Unfortunately, I did not run across this one until today.  Alas.

At show-and-tell time yesterday,
I brought my pet skunk.  Sad to say,
Though it had been well taught,
Not to spray, it forgot,
Now we can’t use the schoolhouse ’til May.
John Ciardi

Source: Lots of Limericks selected by Myra Cohn Livingston

Travel Oxymoronica!

March 26, 2019

Here are a few gems that are “travel-related” oxymoronica.   Enjoy!

“We were at sea — there is no other adequate expression — on the plains of Nebraska.”  (Robert Louis Stevenson, Across the Plains)

“Like all great travelers, I have seen more than I remember, and remember more than I have seen.”  (Benjamin Disraeli)

“The average tourist wants to go places where there are no tourists.”  (Sam Ewing)

Source: oxymoronica by Dr. Mardy Grothe

Marriage Advice, Number Eight!

March 24, 2019

Here is the eighth installment of advice on How to be Happy Though Married.  Enjoy!

The Pleasures of Marriage
“It’ a woman’s business to get married as soon as possible and a man’s to keep unmarried as long as he can.”  (George Bernard Shaw, Man and Superman, 1903)

The Pains of Marriage
“In old age, marriage is not to be recommended.  Two decaying bodies in one bed can never be endured.”  (Philip of Novara, Of the Four Ages of Man’s Life, 1265)

Hints for Husbands
“Cure your unsavory breath, gargle your throat; and free your armpits from the ram and goat.”  (Ovid, The Art of Love, 1st Century AD)

Hints for Wives
“A buxom lass in overalls, with a mannish haricut, rolling a cigarette and handling sacks of fertilizer may be scrupulously scrubbed as clean as a freshly bathed infant.  But is she dainty?  Definitely not.”  (Lady, Be Loved!, 1953)

The Marital Bed
“In the act of copulation, the woman earnestly looks on the man, and fixes her mind on him, the child will resemble the father.  Nay, if the woman, even in unlawful copulation, fix her mind upon her husband, the child will resemble him though he did not beget it.”  (Aristotle, The Nicomachean Ethics, 4th Century BC)

Source: How to Be Happy Though Married: Matrimonial Strife Through the Ages, compiled by Emily Brand.

Some Military Humor!

March 19, 2019

Here are a few gems that I found on the Reader’s Digest website.  Enjoy!

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

Comedian Dick Gregory

My brother and I arrived at boot camp together. On the first morning, our unit was dragged out of bed by our drill sergeant and made to assemble outside. “My name’s Sergeant Jackson,” he snarled. “Is there anyone here who thinks he can whip me?”

My six-foot-three, 280-pound brother raised his hand and said, “Yes, sir, I do.”

Our sergeant grabbed him by the arm and led him out in front of the group. “Men,” he said, “this is my new assistant. Now, is there anyone here who thinks he can whip both of us?”

Unknown

We were inspecting several lots of grenades. While everyone was concentrating on the task at hand, I held up a spare pin and asked, “Has anyone seen my grenade?”

SMSgt. Dan Powell, from rallypoint.com

During orientation at Fort Sill, in Oklahoma, our first sergeant stated that if anyone lost his locker key to see him, as he kept a master key in his office. Sure enough, a few weeks later, I lost my key. I walked into the orderly’s room and asked Sarge if 
I could borrow his master key.

“Why, certainly, young man,” he said, as he reached under his desk and handed me a large pair of bolt cutters.

John Dannar, Pasadena, Texas

Source: Reader’s Digest, Military Jokes

The Lady from Woosester!

March 10, 2019

I have always been a fan of puns, wordplay, limericks, etc.  So, when I discovered this collection of limericks, I just couldn’t resist sharing one from time to time.  This one was not attributed to anyone in particular.

There was a young lady from Woosester
Who ussessed to crow like a rooserter.
She ussessed to climb
Seven trees at a time –
But her siseter ussessed to boosester.

Shakespearean Oxymoronica!

February 26, 2019

Last month I shared a few oxymoronic quotations from the realm of World Literature.  This month we will stay in World Literature, but focus specifically on “Shakespeare.”  Enjoy!

“I do desire we may be better strangers.” (As You Like It)

“I must be cruel only to be kind.” (Hamlet)

“Striving to be better, oft we mar what’s well.”  (King Lear)

“Parting is such sweet sorrow.”  (Romeo and Juliet)

“You pay a great deal too dear for what’s freely given.”  (The Winter’s Tale)

Source: oxymoronica by Dr. Mardy Grothe

Marriage Advice, Number Seven!

February 24, 2019

Here is the seventh installment of advice on How to be Happy Though Married.  Enjoy!

The Pleasures of Marriage
“There is nothing more admirable than when two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends..”  (Homer, The Odyssey, 8th Century BC)

The Pains of Marriage
“My wife’s gone to the country Hooray!  Hooray!  She thought it best, I need a rest, That’s why she’s gone away.”  (Irving Berlin/George Whiting, My Wife’s Gone To The Country, 1910)

Hints for Husbands
“If you hear her often grunt and groan, mumble and chide, either with the men or maid-servants; nay you must pass it by, not concerning your self at it.”  (The Ten Pleasures of Marriage, 1682)

Hints for Wives
“Don’t expect life to be all sunshine.  Besides, if there are no clouds, you will lose the opportunity of showing your husband what a good chum you can be.”  (Don’ts for Husbans and Wives, 1913)

The Marital Bed
“Make good use of your time, and take the full scope of your desires, in the pleasant clasping and caressing of those tender limbs; for after some few daies, hungry care will come and open the Curtains of your bed; and shew you what reckonings you are to expect from the Jeweller, Gold-smith, Silk-man, Linnen-Draper, Vinter, Cook and others.”  (The Ten Pleasures of Marriage, 1682)

Source: How to Be Happy Though Married: Matrimonial Strife Through the Ages, compiled by Emily Brand.

So, You Think You Are Funny?!

February 19, 2019

Some jokes you run across really are funny; some are just lame (we sometimes laugh out of politeness, or perhaps do not laugh at all).  Here are a few I ran across lately . . . you decide into which category you’d place them.

John: “Whenever one door closes another one opens?”
Tom: “That’s nice, but until you fix it, I’m not buying this car.”

Q: “What’s the saddest dog?”
A: “The melan-collie.”

Hiring Manager: “Wages are $12 an hour, but after six months, that goes up to $18 an hour.  When can you start?”
Candidate: “In six months.”

Joe: “Somebody’s been adding layers of dirt to my garden!”
Fred: “So . . . the plot thickens!”

Source: AARP Bulletin, October 2018, p. 54.

The Mixup!

February 10, 2019

I have always been a fan of puns, wordplay, limericks, etc.  So, when I discovered this collection of limericks, I just couldn’t resist sharing one from time to time.  This one was authored by Morris Bishop.

Said a lady beyond Pompton Lakes
“I do make such silly mistakes!
Now the car’s in the hall!
It went right through the wall
When I mixed up the gas and the brakes.”

Morris Bishop