Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Some Early Week Humor!

September 18, 2018

Okay, so the week is just getting started, but I have always been of the opinion that humor is good anytime.  So here are a few gems to get your week rolling!

Tom: “I’ve been dating a girl who carries a Taser everywhere she goes.”
George: “What is she like?”
Tom: “Stunning.”

Fred: “I hate blood tests.”
Tom: “Me, too.  My blood is under enough pressure as it is.”

M: “I have your next assignment 007.  I am sending you to a party.”
007: “What are my orders?”
M: “Mingle.  Meet people.  Make friends . . . Bond, James.  Bond.”

Source: AARP Bulletin, July/August 2018, p. 46.

Never Give Up!

August 30, 2018

NeverGiveUp_largeAh, the entertainment value of watching people fail, and then laughing at their expense!  We never seem to tire of this past time and the internet (combined with the fact that everyone has a camera and is ready to film just about anything at moments notice) provides the perfect breeding ground.  Many a video has gone viral to the delight of millions.  So, yes, “never give up,” and keep on, keeping on!

The Camping Trip!

August 21, 2018

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

Artistic Oxymoronica!

August 7, 2018

Artistic creativity is closely linked to dreaming.  Here are a few artistic oxymoronica that exemplify this sentiment.

“I do more painting when I’m not painting.”  (Andrew Wyeth)

“I shut my eyes in order to see.”  (Paul Gauguin)

“First I dream my painting, then I paint my dream.”  (Vincent van Gogh)

Source: oxymoronica by Dr. Mardy Grothe

Expectations!

July 31, 2018

Expectations_largeAs this demotivator (courtesy of www-dot-despair-dot-com) points out, it is probably best to temper one’s expectations at one’s workplace early in your career.  Okay,  I’ll admit that I am a bit jaded.  And while this is probably not completely universal (I’m hoping there are still some places/organizations that exist where accepting the very best is still a value), coming from the culture of accepting the lowest bid, to the reality of slashed budgets and “doing more with less” (and not always the best), we are fast becoming a culture of accepting what is “good enough” (or what is affordable) as opposed to what is “the best.”  Alas.  I will continue to remain hopeful by keeping my expectations high, but understanding that these expectations may not always be met.

Political Contradiction!

July 24, 2018

The political realm certainly is not immune to oxymoronic statements.  Here are some more amusing examples.  Enjoy!

“Anyone who deliberately tries to get himself elected to public office is permanently disqualified from holding one.”  (Sir Thomas More)

“Liberal institutions straightway cease from being liberal the moment they are soundly established.”  (Friedrich Nietzsche)

“The secret of rulership is to combine a belief in one’s infallibility with the power to learn from past mistakes.”  (George Orwell)

“He who would rule must hear and be deaf, see and be  blind.”  (German Proverb)

“The more that you observe politics, the more you’ve got to admit that each party is worse than the other.”  (Will Rogers)

“The best politics that could happen for our republic would be the abolition of politics.”  (Walt Whitman)

“If you want to rise up in politics in the United States there is one subject you must stay away from, and that is politics.”  (Gore Vidal)

Source: oxymoronica by Dr. Martha Grode

English is a Crazy Language!

July 22, 2018

Here is an essay by Richard Lederer.  Enjoy!

English is a Crazy Language

Let’s face it: English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
And while no one knows what is in a hotdog,
you can be pretty sure it isn’t canine.

English muffins were not invented in England
nor French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads,
which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write,
but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce,
and hammers don’t ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth,
why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese?
Is cheese the plural of choose?
One mouse, 2 mice.
One louse, 2 lice.
One house, 2 hice ?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat?

Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
How can the weather be hot as Hell one day
and cold as Hell another?

When a house burns up, it burns down.
You fill in a form by filling it out
and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

You get in and out of a car,
yet you get on and off a bus.

When the stars are out, they are visible,
but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it,
but when I wind up this essay, I end it?

English is a silly language …
it doesn’t know if it is coming or going !!

 

Stubbornness!

June 30, 2018

Stubbornness_largeHappy Saturday!  I have known a lot of stubborn people over the years and this demotivator (courtesy of www-dot-despair-dot-com) certainly puts the concept of stubborn-ness, that “dogged determination not to change one’s attitude or position on something” into a whole new perspective for me.  I certainly try to not engage in stubbornness to this level.  I’m more apt to NOT make an issue out of something even when I know it to be wrong, rather than create a scene that, more often than not, is very counterproductive.  I guess this officially makes me “stubborn on the inside.”

Source: demotivator: http://www.despair.com; definition: http://www.dictionary.com

The Prankster Policeman!

June 26, 2018

Practical jokes can be fun.  I’m not sure I would enjoy being “pranked” this way, but it certainly is funny.

The Sound of “Silence”!

June 24, 2018

Since silence is the absence of sound, the “sound of silence” is an oxymoron, plain and simple.  But this is a popular oxymoronic theme nonetheless.  You hear all sorts of them . . . from “a thundering silence,” to “his silence spoke volumes,” these types of phrases communicate that the meaning behind silence often times “speaks” more than mere words.  Here are some oxymorons on silence.  Enjoy!

“Their very silence is a loud cry.”  (Cicero)

“Often silence is the wisest thing for a man to heed.”  (Pindar)

“Silence.  One of the hardest arguments to refute.”  (Josh Billings)

“Silence is more eloquent than words.”  (Thomas Carlyle)

“Silence is the unbearable repartee.”  (G.K. Chesterton)

“Silence is one of the great arts of conversation.”  (Hannah More)

Source: oxymoronica by Dr. Martha Grode