Happy Sunday! Learning to see the humor in everything is a talent that can sometimes take a while to develop. I’d like to think that I have achieved the ability to not take the world too seriously (I certainly am always quick with a joke or humorous quip, almost to the point of being obnoxious [but not quite]). And, I have long been a fan of despair.com‘s demotivator series (“demotivator” has been defined by thefreedictionary.com as the condition of being without motivation). As luck would have it, late last year they unveiled several new ones. They never cease to amuse me and I think this would have been an awesome job to challenge my wit and creativity; and how much fun could I have with the opportunity to come up with these catchy phrases and captions (hmm, perhaps it is not too late to explore). Priceless to say the least (and usually so tongue-in-cheek that they are more often quite accurate despite their poking fun at life). Enjoy!
Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category
Happy Wednesday! Now that we’ve reached the mid-point of the week, how about a bit of levity to get us through the rest of the week and into the weekend?
An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man noticed that the lights were on in the greenhouse in the back yard. He hadn’t remembered turning the lights on and went to investigate.
As he approached the greenhouse, the old man heard voices and discovered that someone had broken into the greenhouse. Scared, he returned to the house and called the police.
The dispatcher replied, that no officers were currently available, but that an officer would be sent as soon as one became available.
The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again. He told Dispatch, “Don’t worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!”
In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed!
One of the cops asked the old man, “I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them.”
The old man replied, “I thought you said, there weren’t any officers available.”
Anyone who has followed my blog for any period of time will know that I am a huge fan of “demotivators” (pretty posters with cute sayings that are heavy on the sarcasm and humor and, more often than not, more true than anyone would care to admit). So, when www.despair.com rolled out their “new” demotivators a couple of weeks ago, I just had to start sharing them.
This one, “Accountability,” has the following caption . . . “A word leaders use right before the scapegoating begins.” Enjoy!
Sometimes you just never see the punchline coming . . .
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera when off, taking a picture of his license plate.
The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.
“This guy must have screwed up the settings,” the off-duty officer thought.
A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!
Now this is a creative way to help out your wife . . .
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:
“Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?”
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter:
“Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. that is where I hid all the money.”
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
“Dear Husband, you wouldn’t believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden.”
The prisoner wrote another letter back:
“Dear Wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce.”
Happy Saturday. This is what I’d call a “teachable moment.” This joke has been around for a while, but it is a classic. So for those of you who have never heard this one, enjoy; and for those of you who have, enjoy again!
A police officer pulled over a guy driving a red Corvette after it had run a stop sign.
Police Officer: “May I see your driver’s license and registration please?” asked the cop.
Driver: “What’s the problem, officer?”
Police Officer: “You just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection.”
Driver: “Oh, come on pal, there wasn’t a car within miles of me.”
Police Officer: “Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution.”
Driver: “You gotta be kidding me!”
Police Officer: “It’s no joke, sir.”
Driver: “Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles and proceeded with caution.”
Police Officer: “That’s beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn’t. Now if I may see your license and . . . ”
Driver: “You’ve sure got a lot of time on your hands. What’s the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?”
Police Officer: “Sir, I’ll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately!”
Driver: “I will if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop.”
Police Officer: “Sir, I can do better than that.”
He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.
Police Officer: “Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?
Here’s an oldie, but a goodie based upon the book “Book! Book! Book!” by Deborah Bruss.
A librarian was working late one night at a small-town library. She had the door open for a breeze, and a chicken walked in, hopped up on the desk, and said, “Book, book, book!”
The librarian was a bit startled, but she quickly handed the chicken three books. The chicken put one under each wing, one in its beak, and walked out.
A few minutes later, the chicken returned, dropped those three books on the floor, hopped up on the counter, and said, “Book, book, book!”
Once again, the librarian gave the chicken three books, the chicken tucked one under each wing, took the third in its beak, and walked out.
It must be a full moon tonight, thought the librarian, getting back to her work. Of course, since everything in jokes comes in threes, the chicken came back. It dropped the books on the floor, hopped up, and said, “Book, book, book!”
This time, the librarian decided to get to the bottom of this. She gave three books to the chicken, and when it walked away, she followed it. They went across the parking lot, down into a ditch, and through a damp culvert. Good thing I wore my sensible shoes, she thought. They emerged into a little moonlit pool. There, the chicken stopped in front of the largest bullfrog the librarian had ever seen. He took one look at the books the chicken was carrying and croaked, “Read it, read it, read it!”
Source: this joke was a portion of a children’s book, Book! Book! Book! by Deborah Bruss
An autobiography is actually a literary genre and is defined (by Google) as “an account of a person’s life written by that person.” However, I found some rather interesting alternative definitions in my copy of The Cynic’s Dictionary. Enjoy!
“An obituary in serial form with the last instalment missing.” (Quentin Crisp)
“Alibi-ography.” (Clare Boothe Luce)
“A book that suggests the only thing wrong with the author is . . . his memory.” (Franklin P. Jones)
“Books that ought to begin with Chapter Two.” (Ellery Sedgwick)
“Unrivaled vehicles for telling the truth — about others.” (Philip Guedalla)
“What is now as common as adultery — and hardly less reprehensible.” (John Grigg)
“The life story of a motor car.” (Peter Eldin)
Source: The Cynic’s Dictionary by Aubrey Dillon-Malone.
Here is some police humor courtesy of http://www.clumsycrooks.com . . . enjoy!
A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber’s face.
The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.
Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, “Well, did anyone else see my face?”
There were a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, “My wife got a pretty good look at you.”