Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Stupid, Trouble, and Shut Up!

November 16, 2017

Happy Monday!  Let’s start the new work week with a real groaner . . . enjoy!

One Day Stupid, Trouble, and Shut Up were driving along in their car when Trouble suddenly hurled himself out of the window.

Well, Stupid and Shut Up did not know what to do so they went to the police station.

When they got there the chief asked them their names.

“Shut Up”, replied Shut Up.
“Stupid”, replied Stupid.

The police chief thought these people were telling him to shut up, and were calling him stupid. Which made him very mad.

“Excuse Me!” shouted the chief.

Thinking the chief was hard of hearing, They once again shouted there names.

“Shut Up!”
“Stupid!”

The police chief was very riled. He then asked
“Are you looking for trouble?”!!!

Stunned at the idea of the chief knowing that they were looking for their friend, they replied,

“Why yes, how did you know?”

Source: https://unijokes.com/cop-jokes/13/

Advertisements

Journalistic License!

November 8, 2017

Journalists have certainly been taking a beating lately over their style and method of reporting (fake news, biased/slanted, sensationalism, etc.).  So, I thought I would consult my copy of The Cynic’s Dictionary, by Aubrey Dillon-Malone, to see how others have classified this profession.  Enjoy!

Journalism
“A profession whose business is to explain to others what it personally does not understand.”  (Lord Northcliffe)

“Organized gossip.”  (Edward Eggleston)

“Survival of the vulgarist.”  (Oscar Wilde)

“A walk of life that consists of saying ‘Lord Jones is dead’ to people who didn’t know he was alive.”  (G.K. Chesterton)

“The ability to meet the challenge of filling space.”  (Rebecca West)

“The only thinkable alternative to working.”  (Jeffrey Barnard)

“The last refuge of the literary mediocre.”  (Brendan Behan)

Journalist
“A man who lies in the sun all day, then goes home to his typewriter to lie some more.”  (Frank Sinatra)

Teams!

October 30, 2017

Teams_largeHappy Monday!  As we begin a new work week, what better time to reflect on our current “team” climate at our assorted places of employment?  And, what better tool than one of the latest demotivators (courtesy of www-dot-despair-dot-com) on the topic.  Yes, we’ve all been there, those team, or group projects, where not every member pulls their weight or contributes at the same level.  Yet another example of humor that hits a little too close to the truth of how life sometimes operates.

The Rabbi and the Priest . . . !

October 23, 2017

Happy Monday!  How about a bit of humor as we begin the new work week?

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force.

Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a priest. I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God!”

Pointing to the sky, he continues, “God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth.”

The priest replies, “I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God!”

The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, “And look at this! Here’s another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune.”

The priest nods in agreement. The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.

The priest, baffled, asks, “Aren’t you having any, Rabbi?”

The rabbi replies, “Nah… I think I’ll wait for the police.”

Source: https://unijokes.com/cop-jokes/7/

The Heart Transplant!

October 16, 2017

Happy Monday!  Well, since it is just the start of the week, how about a little humor (courtesy of Community Care) to help us get going this morning?  Let me first apologize both to social workers as well as to attorneys (just in case they don’t find the humor in this joke).

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER.

The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away.

Another doctor runs into the room and says, “you’re in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker.”

The man quickly responds, “the attorney’s.”

The doctor says, “Wait! Don’t you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?”

The man says, “I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney’s probably never used his.  So I’ll take the attorney’s!”

Source: http://www.communitycare.co.uk/2007/12/14/top-ten-social-work-jokes-from-community-cares-crackers/

Ruthlessness!

September 30, 2017

Ruthlessness_largeHappy Saturday!  The weekend has arrived so how about a little humor to get things going? Here is the next installment of demotivators (courtesy of www-dot-despair-dot-com).  Wow, how true (or so it would seem from my experience)!  And this concept ties in perfectly with the adage, “it’s not personal, it’s business.”  Obviously if you are not on the “receiving end” of the ruthless behavior, then it probably isn’t personal, but to the one on the receiving end, it is very personal.  It truly makes you wonder if business ethics actually still exist in the world.  Alas, c’est la vie!

Poking Fun at the Library!

September 28, 2017

Here are some “groaners” on libraries, librarians, and books.  Enjoy!

What is the tallest building in the world?
The library, because it has the most stories.

What do you call a South American librarian who is always in a hurry?
Urgent Tina.

What do you call a teacher who never farts in the library?
A private tutor.

What do you call a book that’s about the brain?
A mind reader.

Why did the librarian win a Lifetime Achievement Award?
She had a storied career.

What’s the longest word in the dictionary?
Smiles. Because there is a mile between each s.

What section of the library can you get biten by a snake?
Hissssssstory.

What has a spine but, no bones?
A book

What did the librarian say to the astronaut?
Find space for a book.

What happened to the ____________ National Library?
Someone stole the book.

 

What did the surfer say to the librarian?
Is my book over dude?

Why did the student throw a book at the Librarian?
He wanted to Face-Book her.

What do Turkish librarians eat for lunch?
Shhhh Kebabs.

What did the frog say when he landed on a book?
Reddit! Reddit! Reddit!

 

Did you hear about the power outage at the _______________ University library?
Thirty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

What do you get when you cross a librarian and a lawyer?
All the information in the world, but you can’t understand a word of it.

Did you hear about the _____________ University Library fire that burned 20 books?
The real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet.

I got hit in the head by a falling book once, I mean, I only have my shelf to blame.

The librarian gave the scientist a book about Helium and he just couldn’t put it down.

You must work in a library because you just increased my circulation!

Source: http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/librarianjokes.html

The Job Interview!

September 23, 2017

Happy Saturday!  As we begin the weekend, how about a little police humor, just for grins?

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job.

“Okay,” the sheriff drawled, “Gomer, what is 1 and 1?”

“11” he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, “That’s not what I meant, but he’s right.”
“What two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?”
“Today and tomorrow.”

He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.  “Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?”

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, “I don’t know.”

“Well, why don’t you go home and work on that one for a while?”

So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. “It went great! First day on the job and I’m already working on a murder case!”

Source: https://unijokes.com/cop-jokes/5/

A Librarian’s Alphabet!

September 14, 2017

As I was aimlessly surfing the internet the other day, I stumbled upon this humorous take on the alphabet through the eyes of a librarian.

It starts . . . “A is for Access, a large part of our creed” . . . and continues through “Z is for
Libraries. (In LC classification!)”

Here’s the entire alphabet.  Enjoy!

LibraryHumor.com by Denise Plourde is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.

 

Progress!

August 30, 2017

ProgressFix_largeHappy Wednesday!  Here we are, at the middle of the week which to me seems like a perfect time to interject some humor by way of this new demotivator (courtesy of www-dot-despair-dot-com).  As always, just enough crassness to make you laugh, but with just enough veracity to make you wonder if you should be laughing.   So, as we wrap up the week and start our downhill descent into the weekend, let’s knuckle down and stave off irrelevancy!