Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Forgive Me Father . . . !

May 28, 2017

. . . for I have sinned.  This is the phrase that I was taught in grade school as the standard opening petition to a Catholic priest when going to confession or the rite of reconciliation.  Here is a joke I heard recently that I will definitely “beg for forgiveness” in advance.

One Saturday morning, a Catholic priest was hearing confessions when a young boy (let’s call him Tom) entered the confessional to confess his sins.

Tom mentioned that he had been “loose with a girl.”

The priest then asked the boy “was it Cindy?”

Tom said “no.”

The priest then asked, “was it Jennifer?”

Tom again said “no.”

Th priest then asked, “was it Rachel?”

Once again Tom said “no.”

The priest then replied that for penance, the boy could not be an altar boy for the next four months.

So, Tom thanked the priest and left the confessional.

Tom then went outside, where his friends had gathered and were interested in the outcome.

Tom replied “well, I got a four-month vacation, and three new leads.”

A Lesson on Materialism!

May 11, 2017

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen-wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver’s side door with him standing right there.

“NOOO!” he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling: “MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!”

“You are a lawyer aren’t you?” asked the policeman.

“Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?” the lawyer asked.

“HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn’t even notice that your left arm is missing did you?” the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed “MY ROLEX!”

Downsizing!

April 30, 2017

Downsizing_largeWhen this newest batch of demotivators (courtesy of www-dot-despair-dot-com) was released last fall, I couldn’t wait to start sharing them. They are simply marvelous!  I have personally never had to face or had to worry about a “downsizing” on the job, so this may not seem quite as funny to those who have, but in the true spirit of poking fun at anything and everything . . . carpe diem!

Nonconformity!

April 29, 2017

Happy Saturday!  How about some oxymoronica to start the weekend?  According to Dr. Mardy Grothe, the word oxymoronica is used “to describe quotations that contain imcompatible or incongruous elements.”  Here’s a quotation from Bill Vaughn on nonconformity that exemplifies this point beautifully.

“If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.”

Source: Oxymoronica by Dr. Mardy Grothe

Some Humor for the Weekend!

April 22, 2017

Happy Saturday!  Here are a few computer-related jokes that I have had the pleasure of running across lately.  Enjoy!

Did you know that the oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve?
Surprise!  Surprise!
It was an Apple.
But, it had extremely limited memory . . .
Just 1 byte . . .
Then everything crashed.

“If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0.”

I changed my password to “incorrect,” so whenever I forget what it is, the computer will say “your password is incorrect.”

Computer: Press any key to start.
User: Where’s the “any” key?

Need a few more?  Check out this page.

 

An Occasional Insult!

April 9, 2017

Here are a few quotations (of insults) that are simple and powerful in their own right. And yet, they are all a bit oxymoronic!

“Deep down, he’s shallow.”  (Anonymous)

“He had nothing to say and he said it.”  (Ambrose Bierce, on a contemporary)

“He’s the kind of guy that can brighten a room by leaving it.”  (Milton Berle, on a contemporary)

“A professional amateur.” (Lawrence Olivier, on Marilyn Monroe)

“He has delusions of adequacy.”  (Walter Kerr, on a contemporary actor)

“A genius with the IQ of a moron.”  (Gore Vidal, on Andy Warhol)

“An inspired idiot.”  (Horace Walpole, on Oliver Goldsmith)

“A sweetly vicious old lady.”  (Tennessee Williams, on Truman Capote)

Source: oxymoronica by Dr. Mardy Grothe.

Don’t Groan Too Loudly!

April 8, 2017

Happy Saturday!  Here’s a joke that I ran across the other day . . . it spans both my careers (law enforcement and librarianship) and even has a bit of a pun/play on words at the end.  Enjoy!

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.

He stopped the car and asked, “Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn’t be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?”

“That it is,” Irish Mike replied grimly, “ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball.”

“You mean you pinched his honor?” asked Pat.

“How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?” demanded Mike.

“Well,” mused Pat, “there’s a lesson in this somewhere.”

“That there is,” replied Irish Mike….” ‘Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover.”

Dare to Be Different!

March 29, 2017

DareToBeDifferent_largeThey have done it again!  Here is another wonderful demotivator (courtesy of www dot despair dot com).  And, while some of the more obvious and traditional synonyms for non-conformist include:  dissenter, dissident, individualist, and loner, I was able to track down quite a few more that are not quite as traditional:

Source: http://www.dictionary.com, http://www.despair.com

The Borrower!

March 26, 2017

Happy Sunday!  As we begin the wrap-up th weekend, how about a bit of library humor?  Enjoy!

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, “I have a complaint!”

“Yes, Ma’am?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible.”

Puzzled by her complaint the librarian asked, “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever,” said the blonde.

The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our phone book.”

For the Pun of It!

March 5, 2017

I haven’t tortured you with any puns lately, so here are few for entertainment purposes (groaning is allowed).

  • Don’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap.
  • When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.
  • I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
  • How did I escape Iraq? Iran.
  • I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
  • Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.
  • Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
  • I’m glad I know sign language, it’s pretty handy.
  • A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
  • eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
  • A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason… details are sketchy.
  • What was Forrest Gump’s email password? “1forrest1”
  • Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
  • What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic
  • My math teacher called me average. How mean!
  • Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
  • Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch? A: “Beef Jerky!”
  • The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

That’s probably enough, for now . . . enjoy the rest of your weekend!